


A Tale of the Woman

by dramatic owl (snarky_panda)



Category: Mulan (1998)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Community: 5trueloves, Dark, Drama, Dubious Consent, F/M, Gen, POV Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:19:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarky_panda/pseuds/dramatic%20owl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate storyline based on another outcome that could have occurred because Mulan failed the matchmaker's test. Also sort of a crossover fic inspired by <em>Raise the Red Lantern</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Home (theme #3, moving)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Everything from the Disney movie belongs to Disney. _Raise the Red Lantern_ and anything from that book belongs to the author Su Tong.
> 
> Warning: Dark, mature themes and sexual content, deals with arranged marriage of a minor and therefore implied non-consensual sex. Unorthodox pairings within. This was originally published in 2007 for LiveJournal's 5trueloves community, the object being to take a character and pair them up with 5 different characters from the fandom. I've interpreted the concept of love differently for each pairing and they are not all necessarily romantic or positive interpretations.

**I**

" _You're a disgrace! You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!"_

The townspeople that had gathered to see the new potential brides bore witness to her shame and Mulan cringed under the weight of the memories. The matchmaker's shrill shouts rang in her ears still, the insults shrieked at her in the middle of the street, in front of every one of her neighbors. The dismayed expression on her mother's face was burned into her brain; when she saw it she had instantly realized the gravity of the outcome of her session with the matchmaker and her failure of the test. And now there would be no arranged proper marriage, no honor for her family. Instead she would be a rich man's concubine; financially cared for but shamed and disgraced, and that dishonor would leave its stain on her family as well.

With tears in her eyes she'd bid her mother and grandmother goodbye as the bridal sedan was brought to their front gate. She would never see them again. Her father came forward last, wordlessly embracing her, his face drawn and sad. He'd been ill for quite some time and under a doctor's care; but that morning he looked sicker than she'd ever seen him.

She was on her way to an estate in the country several li to the north of Chang'an, owned by the general whose mistress she was to be from now on. A fat middle-aged general, as the matchmaker had tauntingly made known to her. Mulan sighed. Even before she went in to take that test, she knew that woman hated her.

This particular general was renowned in the Middle Kingdom and a favorite of the Emperor. He was the lead military advisor to His Majesty and was more decorated than any other general that had come before.

The road they traveled on was lined with trees and flowers already in bloom now that spring was upon them. She gazed out at the slowly passing scenery and brought a hand up to her eyes, wiping the tears that blurred her vision away. It would do no good to cry or to think about what her life would become now or that she would never see her parents or her grandmother again. And weeping would no doubt irritate her new master.

"Besides," she muttered sarcastically to herself, her voice bitter. "It'll ruin my make-up."

Even though there would be no wedding, no formal ceremony, she'd still had to dress in the customary red dress and red veil, her face painted just as it had been when she went to see the matchmaker. The fat old general would want her looking just right for him.

She snorted and leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms across her chest. Well, if it was really bad, she could run away. Unlike the other girls, Mulan knew how to ride a horse; in fact she had an extensive knowledge about horses. And she knew self-defense, thanks to her father being a military general himself.

And there would be nothing to lose. She had already failed to bring her family honor; running away would merely add dishonor upon dishonor. Her status would remain the same; she was already a fallen woman.

Closing her eyes, she made a silent prayer to the ancestors to guide her through this new phase in her life.

**~~~~~**

Servants stood on either side of the step where she descended from the bridal sedan, waiting to assist her. She blinked in the glaring sun, her eyes needing to adjust to the bright light after the long stint. They were in a large, square courtyard.

"The Li family welcomes the Fifth Mistress," a servant who was waiting at the stone gate greeted her, approaching and taking her things from her. "Come in and I will settle you into your new rooms."

Mulan followed him, feeling numb as she took in the sight of the place that would now be her home. It was a sprawling, luxurious estate that surrounded the courtyard they were in on three sides, and the mansion had several wings. There were separate small houses that were adjoined to the main wing of the compound, but each had their own private entrance.

The servant led her down the length of a narrow courtyard off of the main square which one entered upon passing through the gates. They arrived at a separate small house at the end of the stone path and he opened the front door, gesturing for her to enter.

"My name is Fu-ling. I am the head servant here. But a personal maid will be assigned to you, probably some time tomorrow."

She stepped through the door and into a short hallway which led into a large drawing room that was decorated in rich reds. Fu-ling led her into the next room, the bedroom. There was a table with a mirror and a large, plush bed covered in soft, luxurious blankets of silk and velvet. This room was also decorated in red.

"General Li will be with you soon. Tomorrow I will come back to take you around the complex and introduce you to your sisters."

_Her sisters?_

Before she could ask him what he meant by that, Fu-ling walked out without another word and shut the front door, leaving her alone. Heaving a sigh she wandered around the drawing room of her new house numbly, gazing at the expensive decorations and knickknacks and the finely crafted furniture. Great care had been taken to make the house look luxurious and joyful, but she just felt its oppressiveness. And there were no books anywhere in the room. She ran her hand over the smooth wood of a breakfront that stood against one wall, suppressing an urge to pick up the fragile knickknacks and dash them to the floor.

She dropped her hands to her side and stepped back away from the breakfront. Then she turned and walked into the bedroom where Fu-ling had left her suitcase, climbing onto the bed and staring at it for a few minutes. She was hesitant to open it; everything in there was from home and she feared that the waterworks would open up if she looked inside.

Fortunately she didn't have to make a choice about it yet. A knock on the door drew her attention away and she called out to whoever it was. Moments later an old woman came in with a bowl of water and a towel. Setting it down before her, she coaxed Mulan to put her feet in.

"All the mistresses have their feet washed by me before the general comes to see them," she instructed her. "It's his order."

Mulan wordlessly stuck her feet into the bowl of water, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. This general already seemed too particular and she hadn't even met him yet. But the foot-washing felt good and she closed her eyes and tried to relax.

**~~~~~**

General Li was a heavy set man with large muscular legs and thick calloused hands. Mulan judged him to be in his mid-forties based on the grey that was peppered throughout his jet black hair and the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes, the weathered skin of his dark face. And from the fact that he had a nineteen year old son, as she'd found out from him.

Staring up at the lighted lanterns around the room she cringed, feeling vulnerable and exposed in the light, though it was fairly dim.

"Would you please put out the lanterns?" she asked quietly.

"They're supposed to be lit. I want to see you," he grunted.

Wishing she could pull the blanket up to cover her body, she lay on her back, remaining silent as his rough-skinned hands caressed her body, preparing her for their wedding night. She tensed up again and gasped as the full weight of his girth pressing down on her practically cut her breath off. He shifted to one side and she relaxed a little as she was once again able to draw in air. The general spread her legs apart with a beefy hand then, moving it up to her crotch and beginning to stroke a spot just inside. It felt good despite her fear and discomfort with the situation, and she felt herself blush in embarrassed surprise as an involuntary scream passed from her lips and she felt liquid begin to drip from her own body.

Another gasp escaped her as she felt his finger inside of her and she squeezed her eyes shut, wincing at the sudden pinching sensation and pressure from his finger.

"You're nice and tight," he whispered. "But we'll loosen things up."

Her muscles tensed up and her back arched as she tried to fight against the pain; the feeling of his finger inside was becoming excruciating. He covered her legs with one of his own, pinning them, and shifted his upper torso onto her, holding her still.

"Shh. Just relax. It won't hurt if you relax."

She had to resist the urge to cry out as his finger stretched her inside. Was that his nail that she was feeling? Her arm flew out to the side and she grasped the edge of the bed, bracing herself as she felt more pressure and the burning feeling inside of her spread throughout her pelvis. He'd put a second finger inside.

The pain began to subside as her muscles became used to the stretch, but when he finally removed his fingers she still released an inaudible sigh. He moved to straddle her and lowered himself down onto her. She gasped as he eased himself inside of her, feeling as if she were being split open. His hand moved down and he began to massage her thigh. Tears began to burn her eyes as she felt him move inside of her and she threw her arms around him in the hope of maybe controlling his movements so the pain would cease. It didn't and she dug her nails into his back.

His hand was underneath her, pressing against the small of her back; and as he guided her wordlessly she suddenly understood. She shifted her hips and raised her legs, wrapping them around him, then began to move with him. The pain eased up somewhat as she concentrated on moving her hips in rhythm with his movements. She felt him stiffen. Warm liquid oozed inside of her and he collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily.

After a few minutes he raised his head and reached up, wiping her tears away with a thumb.

"They all cry the first time. But you'll grow to like it, Mulan."

**~~~~~**

Mulan sat before the mirror brushing her long hair and staring at her reflection, tears flowing from her eyes without her even realizing it. General Li had left her house already and she breathed easier, if only just slightly.

It was almost unreal. She seemed to be experiencing an odd separation of her mind from her body as she looked in the mirror, as if she were outside of herself watching these things happen to her. Numbness permeated her and though she knew how desperately she missed her family already, she couldn't feel the sadness. Just a nameless weighty, heaviness inside of her that clouded around her like a dark miasma.

A knock on the door pulled her from her sad reverie and she stood up and grabbed a robe, pulling it on. She called out and Fu-ling entered with a basin of water and some cloths and towels.

"Fifth Mistress. It is time for you to meet the family. I will wait for you to dress and then take you around. You will have breakfast afterward."

He left the room and she removed her robe and began to wash herself with the cloth. The water in the basin had a pleasant scent; they had put some sort of oil in it that had a floral smell and she felt a little better as the perfumed liquid touched her skin. She dried off and dressed quickly, then stepped out of the house, joining Fu-ling.

"First we'll meet everyone and then I'll show you around the grounds."

She nodded but said nothing. It had become apparent immediately that the servants didn't expect her to answer, nor would General Li tolerate her being outspoken; so, against her own nature, she kept quiet.

"Here is where the First Mistress Li Song lives," he told her as he led her to a large wing in the main compound.

A maid opened the door and allowed them entrance and Fu-ling announced her presence to General Li's first and official wife. Mulan found herself looking at a dour-looking, middle-aged woman with a grim face, seated at a table with a pot of tea in front of her. She bowed respectfully.

"Elder Sister," she greeted her.

"Come and let me look at you," the first wife ordered.

She raised her head and moved toward the woman, who looked her up and down with a scrutinizing eye.

"You are quite young, my dear. How old are you?"

"I'm sixteen," Mulan answered shyly.

"I understand that you've been educated."

"Yes, First Sister. At home."

She nodded. "Very well. You must meet the rest of the family. I will see you later at dinner."

"Yes, First Sister."

She turned and followed Fu-ling out. He led her to one of the separate houses that was across the courtyard from her own. It was identical in style and design. They were admitted by a servant once again and Fu-ling introduced her to the second mistress, a woman who was about ten years younger than Li Song. She had a kinder face.

"Second Sister," Mulan greeted her, bowing.

"You can call me Yun. Come and sit with me for a few minutes," she coaxed warmly, gesturing to the chair at the table across from her. "We'll talk a little."

Mulan took the seat across from Yun.

"I will need to take Fifth Mistress around to show her the grounds," Fu-ling explained.

"Of course. We will not be long."

Fu-ling bowed and left the room to wait and she turned back to Mulan with a kind smile.

"You are very young," Yun remarked, peering at her closely.

"I'm sixteen."

"And very pretty."

She averted her eyes, at a loss as to what to say. Pretty was never a word anyone had used to describe her. Clumsy, disgraceful, wayward, but never pretty.

"I'm sure the master will spend a lot of nights with you. You're very lucky."

Surprised by the remark Mulan raised her eyes to gaze at the woman. "Lucky?"

"Oh, yes. You see, if he stops spending time with you it means he's lost interest."

"I wouldn't care about that," Mulan muttered.

"But you have to. Everyone in the house will treat you differently if he loses interest in you; even the servants."

Yun must have noted the dismayed expression on her face.

"Don't worry," she added, her voice filled with compassion and kindness, "it's always difficult at first. It was for all of us. But you'll get used to it. Where are you from?"

"Wan County."

"Oh, my, you've traveled a long distance away from your family."

Mulan nodded, afraid to speak due to the lump that began to form in her throat. But she felt somewhat comforted that she had met Yun. This was someone who was kind and almost motherly; maybe she could call her a friend as well as Second Sister.

She bid Yun goodbye a few minutes later and the servant showed her out, where Fu-ling was waiting for her.

He gave her a formal tour of the grounds next. The complex was huge, with a vast garden, a pond and a large stable in the back. He offered to see her back to her home, but Mulan told him that she wanted to continue to walk around and get some air.

"Very good, then. I will come to you later when dinner is ready, unless the master has a message for you before then."

He bowed and set off, and Mulan continued her walk, relieved to be outside and left alone. She'd always hated being cooped up, preferring to be active and outside. Horseback riding was her favorite pasttime. She wasn't allowed to, but she always snuck out and escaped the limits of her home, each time riding her steed further and further out until one day she finally rode beyond the boundaries of her village.

The fresh air and brisk stroll took her mind off of her troubles, if only temporarily, as did her curiosity. She couldn't help wondering at the fact that she was the Fifth Mistress but had only met a First and Second Mistress. Where were the Third and Fourth Mistresses?

Crossing back to the stable she ventured inside and grinned at the sight of two beautiful white stallions, the trademark of the officers of the Imperial army. She approached one of them slowly but determinedly, speaking softly and soothingly. The stallion made no sound as she drew near and she grinned, patting his sleek white coat affectionately.

"Good horse. Next time I'll see if maybe I can sneak a carrot out to you. And you too," she added, turning to the other stallion.

She left the stable and walked back toward the complex. Stone steps led up to the top of the building and she saw that she could walk along the roof and gaze out at her surroundings. With renewed vigor she bounded up the steps two at a time with ease, having inherited her father's natural athleticism and light-footedness.

After walking the perimeter of the roof of the main complex she walked down some stairs that led to a closed bridge that adjoined one building of the complex to another, curiosity getting the better of her. It was in her nature to be adventurous and curious; to see where paths led to, where steps went to. She stopped as she came to the archway leading to the corridor, seeing that she wasn't alone.

A young man was practicing his martial arts in the corridor, dancing through sword forms, and she concluded that he was no doubt General Li's nineteen-year-old son that she'd heard about. Mulan stood in the archway, transfixed by his graceful, perfect movements. A feeling of melancholy settled like a weight in her chest as she watched him, reminded of her father.

She had always loved to watch Fa Zhou practice. He moved so gracefully, with stealth and agility, like a cat. His feet wouldn't even make a sound on the floorboards as he danced through his forms. She had learned some moves from him, but she didn't come close to being able to move like that.

When he was wounded in his last battle his leg was nearly destroyed. Fortunately he didn't lose it completely and it had even healed enough that he was able to put some weight on it. Though he walked with the aid of a cane now, they were all grateful that he was able to get around at all. They didn't think he'd be able to stand up again. But it broke her heart when she would see him take out his sword at times, attempting to go through the same moves. His form was still beautiful; but those sessions would be cut short by the pain.

Did General Li ever practice in this way? He was a renowned officer of the Imperial Army, though she wondered about his age and abundant girth. Chances were he couldn't move the way his son could anymore. Or the way she remembered her father.

The young man ceased his movements suddenly, the sword remaining poised in mid-exercise. He whirled around and faced her, his forehead furrowing in annoyance.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You don't have to stop," she began.

She took an involuntary step back and stared at him for a moment, stunned by the look of sheer anger on his face as he glared at her. He was quite handsome; but his eyes were so cold, like stone, and his disgust toward her was evident in his face. She felt as if she'd been physically slapped. Was she so revolting that he could dislike her so already? What could she have possibly done to offend him in the moment that they set eyes on one another?

"I'm sorry," she repeated sheepishly. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

She turned on her heel and darted away from him, back up to the roof.

**~~~~~**

"I only conceived once, a little girl."

Mulan was surprised to discover that Yun had a child. After living in the Li household for a month and visiting often with Second Sister, she imagined she would have seen a child in her house at some point if one existed.

"Oh…I've never seen her."

"She died. Illness," Yun answered rather quickly, making Mulan wonder if the little girl was actually killed for being born a girl. She knew that sort of thing happened, though not among the rich. It was more prevalent among poor people who didn't want the added burden of supporting a useless girl rather than a son who would grow up and care for them in their old age.

_It is more profitable to raise geese than daughters._

She'd overheard that expression coming from the mouths of men in her village as well as other equally revolting phrases about girls. She hated it and had many times thanked her ancestors that her father was a man who thought differently. Though despite that fact, she had still proved to be a disappointment, a pariah; a useless daughter that had done nothing to raise the honor or standing of her family. And now she had the low position of Fifth Mistress.

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Perhaps one day I will be able to bear General Li a son, too."

"He doesn't spend very much time with First Sister," Mulan commented.

"She's too old for his liking now. Besides, she already raised a son for him, one that has followed in his footsteps and that he can be proud of. Her position is secure and she doesn't really have to care anymore. And she's his first wife, through proper arrangement and ceremony."

Unspeakable sadness settled in Mulan's chest like a great weight at those words and she turned her head so Yun wouldn't see that she was blinking back tears.

"Well, next it will be your turn, Mulan. You are the newest and the youngest, and so you are in his favor right now. If you bear the general a son you will be in very good standing."

Bearing a son was not the first thing on her to-do list but Mulan kept the sentiment to herself.

**II**

Her nights were nearly as dismal as her days. At least she went outside and got air most days. Being as girls were rarely educated, her drawing room contained no books. Just decorations and art work, beautiful and worthwhile, but not much to keep her brain fed. She spent a lot of time outside, walking around in the garden. But she couldn't shake the feeling of confinement; she never went anywhere outside of the Li compound. Though the grounds were expansive, she still found it restrictive, never being able to leave. It was enough to drive anyone crazy, being in one place and seeing the same handful of people all the time.

General Li spent most nights with her, as Yun had predicted. He was an experienced man, seasoned with women as well as in battle, and he knew how to pleasure her. Though she didn't love him, she became comfortable with him as she spent more time with him and she came to respect him. And she had become accustomed to him and to his touch. The feel and warmth of his body, which she'd found to be stout and oppressive at first, had come to feel comforting and protective when it was pressed against her.

The general was close in age to her father and the similarities between the two men made it easier for her to be comfortable with him. It occurred to her that they might have known each other, though her father had never mentioned that. And General Li never spoke of it.

She had no experience at all with men, but she had a sense that he was quite enamored of her for some reason that she couldn't fathom. After all, he barely knew her. But, according to Yun, it was always better to remain in high favor with the master of the house; it ensured her some standing in the Li household.

Mulan visited the stable often during the days but found it empty usually. General Li was out during the day, his stallion with him, and the second horse obviously belonged to young Master Li. He'd gone back to the Imperial Academy after that weekend that she first arrived at the Li compound. She'd never been formally introduced to him; their only meeting was that fateful day in the corridor when she came across him practicing his sword forms. A pang of sadness tugged at her heart when she thought of it. The fact that they hadn't been introduced said everything about how low her status in this household was. No wonder he'd stared at her with such disdain.

She no longer had to get up early to do chores anymore; everything was done for her. In the mornings she went for a walk when she first got up, or when General Li left if he had spent the previous night with her. Meals were taken together with the other two wives in a dining room in the main complex, where sometimes General Li joined them. Usually it was just the three women, though, and Li Ping, the general's little son with his third mistress, Shan-hu, who she'd still never met.

In a very short time she came to know her way around the grounds and had even found a place all the way out at the end of the garden where one of the trees grew beside the wall. It was not a good climbing tree; but if she could figure out a way to scale the trunk she could reach the top of the wall; a way out. She paid close attention, investigating the grounds as she walked; and before long she knew every nook and cranny of the garden, every hiding place, every stone and plant. If nothing else, it kept her mind occupied.

One day as she circumvented the complex on one of her walks and headed toward the tree at the very far end of the grounds, she stopped in her tracks as she caught sight of a woman that she'd never seen before, sitting under the tree and staring into space. She had a beautiful face but her hair was unkempt and wild, her clothing bedraggled. Mulan was startled when she glimpsed the woman's visage and saw how beautiful, and how young it was. This woman couldn't have been more than two or three years older than her.

Wondering if it was the mysterious Shan-hu, she ventured toward her. The woman stood up before Mulan reached her and drifted over toward a tangle of vines. As she drew closer, Mulan realized that there was a well there. The mass of vines covered it and it was clear that no one drew water from this well anymore. Her steps slowed again when she saw that the strange woman was now walking in a circle, around and around the well, stopping every once in awhile to peer inside, her mouth moving as if she were talking to somebody down there. She didn't even know that Mulan was there.

A shudder went through her as she watched. There was no way that this woman would have scaled the walls and climbed into the garden; no, she was a member of the Li household. The woman was clearly insane and obviously forgotten by the rest of the family.

Turning on her heel, Mulan hurried away.

**~~~~~**

There was a chill in the air and the hot tea warmed and soothed her as it went down.

"You should take it easy today," Yun coaxed in a motherly tone. "Your face looks awfully pale."

"That woman…" Mulan trailed off, unsure if she should broach the subject with her Second Sister.

"What woman?"

"She's very pretty, but her clothes are all disheveled…I saw her at the far end of the garden…"

Yun gasped.

"No wonder you look so sickly! That is a place of death. You must stay away from there…"

"Who is that woman?"

Her Second Sister nodded sadly. "That is Fourth Sister, Honglian. She used to be the favorite of General Li."

"She was walking in circles around the well and talking to it…"

"Yes, she's quite mad."

"What is she saying?"

"That she won't jump. After General Li's Third Mistress Shan-hu jumped into that well, Honglian went insane. She's saying that she won't jump into the well."

**~~~~~**

The sad news reached her after she'd been living in General Li's house for four months. Fa Zhou had passed away. In her letter to her, Fa Li spoke of the unspeakable pain that her father had been in. His death had been a blessing in a way.

Her letter accompanied a large trunk that had been sent to Mulan. Setting the letter aside, she tearfully opened the trunk and stared at the contents. It was her father's uniform, armor and sword. She was confused as to why her mother had chosen to send it to her; perhaps he'd requested it. Whatever the reason, she was glad to receive this remembrance of him.

During her fifth month living in General Li's house she returned home one afternoon and found that the trunk had disappeared. She searched her rooms frantically until she was sobbing at the loss of her only inheritance from her father.

"What is it, my love?" the general asked when he came to her room that evening and saw the state she was in.

"I had a trunk with my father's sword and armor. It's gone."

General Li moved toward her and took her by the shoulders, attempting to soothe her.

"You're a young woman. What need have you of a sword and armor?"

Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at him angrily.

"It was my father's and he left it for me. Where is it?" she demanded.

The general looked genuinely remorseful. His hands moved to cup her face and he began to gently wipe her tears away with thick thumbs.

"I'm sorry, my love, but it's gone. I…I didn't realize it meant so much to you. I couldn't see any reason for you to keep that sort of thing."

"It's my only remembrance of him," she whispered sadly, lowering her eyes.

"Oh," he murmured. "Forgive me. I didn't mean to cause you such unhappiness, Mulan. I will never take anything from you again."

She raised her gaze to him again and nodded. He genuinely regretted his actions, she could see that in his eyes; and, when all was said and done, he was the master of the house. Afraid to lose favor with him, she decided sadly that it would be better to let the matter drop.

"Now come, let's have no more talk of it," he coaxed, gently, taking her by the hand and leading her away from the window.

Usually he went right to sleep shortly after rolling off of her. But tonight he lay awake with her afterward.

"Anything you want you can have, my love."

General Li lay on his side, gazing at her and stroking her face tenderly.

Mulan thought about that for a few moments. What she really wanted were some books; but she was completely certain that he would react to the idea of her owning books in the same manner as he had to her owning the sword and armor.

"My father told me about jewelry made of gems that the foreign merchants are selling in the marketplace in Chang'an."

"Yes, the Persian merchants have beautiful gems for sale there. You would like a necklace maybe?"

"Maybe. I want something with lots of gems on it."

She had absolutely no use for jewelry or gems; but she felt compelled to test him to see if he would actually buy her what she asked for.

If he did buy her something she would only wear it at night when he came to her.

He never did bring her the gems. But two weeks after this incident she returned to her rooms after one of her long walks and found that the trunk with her father's armor and sword had been returned to her. A note from General Li accompanied it.

_My dearest Mulan,  
Only a heartless cad would deprive you of something that makes you happy. _

Tears of joy sprang from her eyes as she opened the trunk and beheld its contents once more. And when the general came to her that night and they made love, for the first time she gave herself to him with complete abandon.

**~~~~~**

During the seventh month that she lived in General Li's house, the Middle Kingdom was invaded. Barbarians from the north, led by a man who had reached mythical status in China according to the general. He had to immediately leave for the Imperial City and there was no telling when he would return. As the Emperor's most favored general, it was up to him to recommend strategy and lead the Imperial troops to battle in order to stop the incursions.

There were whispers in the household about Mulan, especially now that the master of the house was gone, making her status nil for the time being. Whispers about how, despite the fact that General Li had spent most of his nights with her, she still hadn't become pregnant. She was relieved and concerned at once about that. It was a relief, since she didn't feel ready to bear her own children. But she was intelligent enough to realize that her status in the household would drop even further if she didn't give the general a son. And now he had gone off to battle, making her chances of conceiving non-existent.

"Is this the life I've been reduced to?" she asked herself. "Worried about losing face in this household because I haven't proven to be good breeding stock? No wonder Honglian went mad."

**III**

The coldest, dreariest winter that she could remember descended upon them without warning shortly after General Li left for battle. Mulan found her mood becoming gloomier with each passing day and she longed for escape. The days were so cold she couldn't even venture outside for walks; she would be chilled to the bone before getting very far.

Those first winter days were spent either by herself or with Yun. But she was becoming less comfortable around her Second Sister. General Li's second wife had seemed kind and motherly when Mulan had first arrived at the Li compound, with an outwardly pleasant demeanor; but now, after spending time with her, the young girl sensed something else. Perhaps she was merely becoming paranoid; the more time she spent stuck in that house the more she imagined that it would be quite possible to lose her mind from being cooped up for so long, seeing chimeras and seeing deception and ill-will everywhere around her. She didn't do anything except remain inside and maybe drink tea and chat with Yun, which was getting boring too. It was enough to make even the idlest mind crazy.

And she found that she was having odd physical withdrawal, too. She'd grown to enjoy her nights with General Li; he had come to her almost every night that he was home. How she had managed to not get pregnant was beyond her; she supposed that maybe she was barren. In any event, she found that she missed him; her body craved the physical contact.

One day when she stepped outside in the late morning she found that the temperature had warmed up, though it was snowing heavily. She decided that she didn't care if she got wet and cold; she had to spend some time outside, moving around. Even if it was the same old garden, at least she wouldn't be staring at the same four walls.

Withdrawing her father's old uniform from the trunk, she dressed and called Fu-ling in to help her pin the ends of the trousers and the sleeves, which were too long for her. She glared at the odd expression on his face and he lowered his head, bending to the task of helping her fit the uniform to her body. Taking her father's sword with her, she ventured out to the garden to practice the old martial arts moves and swordplay that her father had taught her as a little girl. She knew that Fu-ling would go and chatter with the other servants and even First and Second Mistress about her; but she didn't care. Her mind and body needed to be occupied with something new. And General Li wasn't there to scold her about it.

Finished with her workout a couple of hours later, she began to walk through the snow-covered garden to wind her body down. As she walked toward the far end of the grounds she caught sight of Honglian in the distance, wandering around aimlessly in the area that she always occupied. Unable to help herself, Mulan ventured toward her.

"Murderers," Mulan heard the woman muttering over and over as she approached.

The woman turned to her but her eyes were wild and unseeing; Mulan wasn't even sure if Honglian really knew that she was there.

"Murderers," she repeated in a whisper.

She knew she should have turned and walked away, but she felt compelled to ask, to unravel the mystery of what had happened to this woman while she lived in General Li's home.

"Who are the murderers, Fourth Mistress?"

"Murderers, all of them. I saw it…but no…" she stopped in her tracks and stared into space in confusion. An expression of deep and utter anguish crossed her face then. "I saw nothing…but I know what I saw…"

"Honglian, tell me, who are the murderers?" Mulan pressed, calling her by name even though she knew it was improper for her to address the elder woman by name. She was hoping it might catch her attention.

"Shan-hu."

"I know she jumped in the well."

"No, no…I won't jump."

"But Shan-hu jumped," Mulan offered, hoping to coax her into revealing something.

"Yes…she jumped…they murdered her and she jumped…"

It made no sense and Mulan shook her head, resigned to the sad fact that Honglian could no longer form a coherent sentence. The snow was coming down harder now, she noticed.

Honglian had been staring past her, but she suddenly turned to her and Mulan was startled to see the clarity that was now in the woman's eyes suddenly.

"They are lucky, the ones that have died. It's easier to die than to live in misery."

Prickles formed up and down Mulan's spine and she felt her heart skip momentarily. Honglian's voice was sad but firm as she spoke those words; she sounded as sane as anyone else in that moment.

"It's snowing and getting very cold, and you are not dressed warmly enough, Fourth Mistress," she began quietly, offering a hand to help her. "Maybe we should get inside."

But Honglian ignored her outstretched hand, her eyes clouding over again. She drifted back toward the well, muttering, and Mulan followed. The vines that covered the old well were covered with snow and the water in the well, if there was any, was no doubt frozen over. Honglian peered down into it nevertheless, staring fixedly toward the bottom at something that only she was seeing, Mulan realized as she leaned over and gazed down at the frozen water.

"Murderers. Murderers. I won't jump. I won't jump."

Mulan sighed sadly finally and turned away, heading back toward the complex. She hated to leave the woman out in the cold and snow; but she was at a loss as to what to do, and feared that she might scare her if she touched her.

"Mulan."

Yun was standing inside her doorway as she passed by her house. She eyed the sword in Mulan's hand.

"What are you doing out in such weather?"

"Getting some exercise. Good day, Yun."

"Ji-li brought sweets from town this morning. Come in and we can have tea together."

She was feeling rather melancholy and shaken after the interchange with General Li's insane Fourth Mistress, and she wasn't really in the mood to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting with Yun and talking about nothing.

Still, she had to think about status. It was something she wasn't used to thinking about, even after all this time; she'd come from a small family consisting of herself, two parents and a grandmother. Status was clear by their age and place in the family. Here, with so many wives and the wives' children, it became much more complicated. But one thing was certain; Yun was Second Mistress and she was all the way down at Fifth Mistress. She had to behave as was proper.

"Thank you. I feel that I'm dressed inappropriately. Perhaps I should go and change first."

"Nonsense. We are informal here. Come, come."

**~~~~~**

"Do you know who the murderers are that Honglian refers to?" Mulan asked as she sipped her tea and ate the red bean soup that Yun had served her.

"Honglian? Have you been going near Honglian?"

"It was starting to get colder out and I saw that she wasn't dressed warmly. I went over to help her inside."

"Leave her be. The servants will tend to her eventually."

"She's very pretty and it seems like she was very intelligent," she argued, leaving out Honglian's moment of clarity that she'd witnessed. "Something terrible must have happened for that to happen to her."

Yun shrugged. "Her father committed suicide. She saw it. Then when she saw Shan-hu jump…I suppose witnessing a second suicide was more than she could bear."

"Oh."

"You'd best forget about both of them. That place is a place of death. Shan-hu is dead and death surrounds Honglian. You are a young girl, among the living. That's where you should stay."

Yun hadn't taken her eye off of the sword by her side for the entire time that they sat together but she didn't mention it and Mulan wasn't about to bring it up. It really shouldn't have mattered; but something about it made her uneasy. As if Yun might use this against her for some ulterior motive that she was unaware of.

Li Song was older, had borne a son to General Li and no longer cared whether he spent the nights with her. Her position was secure. But Li Yun was second, and she'd been unable to raise her position by bearing a son; only a daughter, who had died. Second Sister no doubt considered her competition.

Both of them started at the sound of sudden screams and hurried into the next room, where there was a window with a view to the back of the house. The servants were dragging a bedraggled looking woman along. Honglian.

"I won't jump! You murderers! I won't jump!"

Yun tsk-tsked softly. "Such a shame."

"See? She keeps calling them murderers."

"She's a crazy woman. They're no more murderers than you and I. And all they're trying to do is bring her inside of her house so she won't freeze to death."

Mulan didn't answer. But she made up her mind that she would visit Honglian again and try to get her to talk.

**IV**

General Li returned home after four months. Fu-ling came to Mulan's house one afternoon and announced to her that he had arrived that morning and would be paying her a visit shortly.

"What's this I hear about you practicing with your father's sword?"

Mulan smiled sweetly, careful to keep the dismay that she felt hidden. She just knew that those stupid servants would say something. Or maybe it was Yun.

"Just getting exercise. He taught me self-defense when I was little girl and I don't want to forget what he taught me. Besides, I need to get a bit of a workout."

"Hmm."

"You don't want me to get all flabby and grey-faced from going without fresh air, do you?"

He chuckled. "You're several years away from looking like that."

"I missed you," she cooed as they lay together a short time later, her lips drawn into a slight pout. Acting cute and coy with him came naturally; but she was genuinely glad for his return. She was tired of being surrounded by people like Yun who talked about nothing; General Li was a sophisticated, well-traveled man who had much more interesting things to say.

"It's good to be home," he answered, his fingers lightly caressing her chin then moving up to rest against her cheek. "Nowhere did I see a face as beautiful as yours."

Mulan couldn't help but giggle. She doubted that he'd seen too many women in battle.

The corners of his mouth turned down momentarily and he frowned. "Unfortunately I may have to leave again at some point."

"Are we in danger still?"

He smiled and began to stroke her hair soothingly. "No. Don't you worry."

"But you think you may have to fight again?"

"I will always need to fight again," he sighed. "We force the enemy to retreat and push them back; but they always come again."

"Doesn't the Great Wall keep them out?"

"There are gaps in it. The Emperor has commissioned its completion and men are working night and day to build new sections to close them off and keep the barbarians out for good."

"Oh. But this time…well, this leader seems to already have a reputation…"

"Yes. Shan-Yu is a fierce and ruthless leader. But nothing that I can't handle," he added rather pompously.

"Shan-Yu? I remember my father mention him."

"The Emperor is very familiar with Shan-Yu, as is his army. Your father was an honored general, who no doubt met Shan-Yu in battle at least once."

"He said Shan-Yu was smart. What if he didn't retreat back over the border? Would he hide out somewhere on this side of the wall?"

"Well, aren't you the inquisitive little one?" he laughed mirthfully. "Yes, there's a chance that he's camped secretly with his men on this side of the wall. Or perhaps he's gone back for reinforcements. Either way, until we fortify the wall I have no doubt I will meet him again in battle."

He chucked her under the chin then pulled her into his arms once more.

"But enough of this talk. This is nothing that a young girl should be concerned with."

**~~~~~**

"Be careful with the scissors," Yun demanded, her voice soft but firm.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Mulan asked, ceasing her Second Sister's haircut. The hand holding the pair of scissors began to shake slightly.

"No. But it's been a long time since I had anyone cut my hair. The last time I had my ear cut."

"Oh! What happened?"

"Fourth Mistress. I asked her to give me a haircut so I could look nice for the general when he came to me that night. She was an evil one, let me tell you. Jealous because she'd lost favor with the general through her own doing. Cut off most of my hair and nearly cut my ear off. I still have a scar, see on the right one?"

Mulan didn't see any scar, but wishing to avoid an argument she concurred that she could still see the scar.

"That's terrible, Yun. I'll be very careful."

It was hard to believe that Honglian had purposely cut Yun, but she also couldn't see how she could have done it accidentally unless she was paying no attention to what she was doing. Mulan managed to remain undistracted, succeeding in completing the haircut without cutting her Second Sister's ear off. Still, she fidgeted nervously as Yun examined herself in the mirror, checking her work.

"I like the way you did the front."

She picked up a smaller hand-held mirror so she could look at the back.

"Here, let me help you."

Mulan held the small mirror up behind her so she could see it.

"I hope I didn't cut too much off."

"It's perfect. I don't cut my hair very often and when I do, I like to crop it short the way you did."

This was the first time Mulan had cut anyone else's hair and she was glad that she hadn't completely messed it up.

Second Sister stepped away from the mirror, looking quite pleased, and thanked her.

"You're welcome."

Mulan suspected that Yun was probably just relieved, as she was, that her ear didn't get cut off.

**~~~~~**

"Is it true that Fourth Mistress nearly cut off Second Sister's ear?"

He started at her words.

"Did she tell you that?"

"Yes."

"Hmph," the general grunted. "I don't know why she's even discussing her with you."

"It's not her fault. I asked about it."

"Curiosity killed the cat, Mulan," he chided, his voice firm.

Her heart sank with dismay as she noted the sudden coldness and anger in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I saw her in the back…"

He cupped her face in one hand and began to trace circles on her cheek with his thumb, his face softening. "It's alright. There's no need for you to look so upset. I don't like to think about her anymore, that's all. As you know, she went mad."

"Yes. It's very sad."

"It is. But that's what happens to people who can't adapt to their situation and cope. I'm the master of this house and I set the rules. I always make sure to be good to everyone in my household. But when they don't abide by my wishes, it makes it very difficult. Do you see what I mean?"

"Of course. You're very kind and a very fair master."

General Li leaned in and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"Keep away from Fourth Mistress. She has never harmed anyone other than Yun, but just in case, stay clear. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, little one."

"Does anyone even use that well that she always hangs around?"

"Not anymore. The servants are very superstitious about it now that two people have died in it. They view it as a place of bad luck and death. It's complete silliness if you ask me. But as long as they get the water that we need, I don't care where they take it from."

"Two people died there?"

"Enough about the well, Mulan," he answered sternly. "Come to bed."

**~~~~~**

The general didn't stay at home for very long. As he had predicted, the enemy rose up again. After being home for just three short months he had to leave once more. And though he'd spent nearly every night with her, two weeks after he left again her period began to flow.

She began to truly worry about her standing in the household now, wondering if Honglian had lost favor with the general because she hadn't conceived either. Although he already had a grown son and several daughters with his First Wife, as well as Ping, his little son from Shan-hu. Wasn't that enough children for him?

Left alone, bored and isolated again, she ventured out to the back of the vast garden one sunny day, making her way toward the well. She'd been dwelling on it ever since General Li had slipped that two people had died there. Who else had? And what had really happened to Honglian? Yun had called her evil, accusing her of purposely trying to harm her. But Mulan wondered if there was something else to it. Honglian was clearly a victim as well. Perhaps she was provoked when she cut Yun's ear.

Yun was a sneaky one, she was coming to realize. Mulan was fairly certain that it had been Yun who told the general about her father's sword and her practice, maybe to cause her to lose favor with him. In fact, her Second Sister had prompted her lately to think on a story that her father used to tell her about Zheng Xiu, the wife of the King of Chu.

Like every other officer of the Imperial army Fa Zhou had studied and committed Sun Tzu's The Art of War to memory. In addition to the strategies and lessons of Sun Tzu, her father was aware of other, less honorable tactics.

"Hide your dagger behind a smile," was one of the sayings he had repeated to her, going on to tell her anecdotes, such as that about Zheng Xiu.

_During the time when China was divided into several states that were at war with each other, the King of Wei sent a beautiful courtesan to the King of Chu. His queen Zheng Xiu, knowing that her husband was taken with the girl, treated the newcomer as a sister, supplying her with gifts and treasures and whatever she needed._

_The king hearing of this summoned his queen and said, "A woman serves a man with her beauty and thus jealousy is a part of her very nature. Yet you, knowing how much the new woman pleases me, have treated her more kindly than I have myself. These actions are those of a child to her parents or a minister to his ruler, how unexpected it is to find this in a queen to a woman that her husband is fond of."_

_Zheng Xiu thus knew that her husband did not suspect her of jealousy. When she next met with the new courtesan she told her, "His majesty is much taken with your beauty but he dislikes the shape of your nose. When next you serve him be sure to cover it with your hand."_

_Grateful for the advice, when the new courtesan next served the king this is what she did._

_The next day the king asked his queen, "The new woman covers her nose when she is with me. Do you know why?"_

" _I know," replied Zheng Xiu, but she offered nothing further._

" _No matter how unpleasant you must tell me the reason."_

" _It seems she does not like the way your majesty smells."_

_In a rage the king ordered that the unfortunate girl's nose be cut off._

"That's what it is about her," Mulan spoke aloud to herself as she made her way across the expansive yard, thinking about Yun's serene demeanor and outwardly kind ways. "That is her tactic."

Today Honglian sat underneath the large tree near the stone wall, staring into space, her lips moving deliriously but making no sound.

"Fourth Mistress?"

Receiving no response at all Mulan decided to try a different tactic, addressing her on a somewhat more personal level.

"Fourth Elder Sister?" she began.

Honglian's lips stopped moving and Mulan knew that she had gotten through, at least a little.

"It's a beautiful day today. Would it be alright if I joined you?"

"Younger Sister," Honglian whispered.

Mulan smiled and crept closer.

"I wasn't sure if you knew me. We haven't been formally introduced."

She took a seat on the grass, beside her but at some distance just in case. Honglian seemed more apt to harm herself than anyone else; but she didn't want to take any chances lest the woman suddenly become frenzied and try to scratch her eyes out or something along those lines.

"My name is Mulan. How are you feeling today?"

Honglian closed her eyes, an expression of anguish and pain on her face.

"I won't jump," she repeated her usual mantra several minutes later.

"Not like the other two people, right?"

She received a nod in response.

"I know Shan-hu jumped, Fourth Sister, but I don't know who the other person was."

"Su."

"Su? Yun's daughter Su?"

"Su."

A soft breeze blew and the weather had turned warmer. Mulan remained quiet, offering companionship without pressing Fourth Sister but glancing at Honglian every once in awhile to see how she was doing.

Honglian turned and met her gaze, intense dark eyes clear again as she reached one of her rare moments of presence and clarity.

"We're not human beings here."

"Of course we are. It's just that he is the master and we have to abide by his desires."

Her remark was met with silence.

"I know how lonely it's been for you, Fourth Elder Sister. I get lonely here, too."

"You need to get yourself a doctor like Shan-hu."

She began to laugh hysterically, her remark and loud cackling completely jarring.

"A doctor?"

But Honglian had retreated back into her own world already, her laughter ceasing as suddenly as it had begun.

Mulan watched sadly as she stood up and drifted over to the well, beginning her usual circle around it, her pace becoming more and more frenzied with each circuit.

That evening she pondered over Honglian's words about Su and her remark about Shan-hu's doctor. Who was the doctor that Honglian mentioned? And why would Su, a little girl, jump in the well? Had she been playing too close to the edge and fallen in? Or had Su been killed for being born a girl, as had occurred to her when she first learned of Yun's daughter; thrown in? And if Su had been thrown into the well, could it be possible that Shan-hu hadn't jumped at all, as everyone suggested, but had also been thrown in?

Maybe that's what Honglian's cries of murder were about.

An involuntary shudder passed through her, creeping down her spine, radiating up into her neck and scalp, making her hair stand on end.

What if it was General Li that had killed Shan-hu? Was that the price one paid for failing to abide by his rules?

**~~~~~**

"Where are you from, Honglian?"

She didn't necessarily expect a response, but every once in awhile Honglian emerged from her trance and answered. In the meantime, Mulan conversed with her, hoping to continue to draw her out by demonstrating that she had a friend there if she wanted one. And she liked being able to talk about herself to Honglian; it helped her stay in touch with who she was. It was so easy to lose touch with that in this place.

"I'm from Wan County," she continued, not waiting for a response. "My father was Fa Zhou, a well-known general of the Emperor. He taught me some martial arts, enough that I can defend myself. And I learned how to horseback ride. I had a beautiful black horse at home. I rode him everyday. I wish I had a horse to ride here. But at least I can come out to this big garden and practice. I loved my father and I don't want to forget the things he taught me, even if they aren't things that women usually do. It's the only thing I have left that I can honor his memory with."

Mulan caught sight of Yun in the distance and ducked behind the tree quickly before she was seen. She peered around the trunk and watched as her Second Sister strolled away, into the main wing of the compound. Perhaps she'd seen her with Honglian and was on the way to report her to First Mistress, the next best thing to reporting her to General Li. Or maybe she hadn't seen her at all.

She decided that it would be wise to end this one-sided conversation now and get back to the compound. Judging by the angle of the sun, it was time for the midday meal anyway. Besides, she was beginning to wonder if her own mind was beginning to snap, given that she sat and spoke daily to a madwoman that rarely answered at all, yet alone with a semi-coherent answer.

"It's time for me to go in for lunch. I'll come back and visit tomorrow, Honglian. Okay?"

Honglian gave no answer as Mulan stood up and headed back to the main wing.

**~~~~~**

"Aren't you feeling well?" Yun asked as they sat together later that afternoon. "You look under the weather."

She looked up with a start. "No, no. I'm alright. But…in case I do ever get sick, is there a doctor that the family uses?"

"Doctor Liang cares for the family now. General Li fired our previous doctor."

"Wasn't he any good?"

"Very good. And quite good-looking. But they had a bit of a falling out, I'm afraid."

"Oh."

Yun gestured for the servant to refill the empty teapot that sat between them.

"I've always been coming here, Yun," Mulan began as the servant disappeared. "Maybe next time I should serve you at my house so you're not constantly inconvenienced."

"Nonsense. I enjoy having company."

Moments later the servant returned with the newly-filled teapot and set it down. Yun dismissed him and turned back to Mulan.

"If you aren't feeling well, you can let me or one of the servants know. Usually General Li would be the one to have the doctor sent for, but with him away, First Mistress will do it."

"Oh."

Mulan bit her lip, turning over a thought in her mind.

"Was Third Mistress ill?"

"Obviously. She committed suicide."

"I mean physically."

"She complained a lot about not feeling well. It was her way of monopolizing General Li so that he would be spending his time with her. He'd be here sometimes and would have to leave in the middle of the night because the servants came banging on the door, announcing that Third Mistress wasn't feeling well and was asking for him."

"Oh."

"Why do you ask such a thing?"

Mulan shrugged casually. "I've been thinking about my father. He was very ill and in a terrible amount of pain before he died."

"And you think he may have killed himself to end it?"

"I don't know," she sighed.

"No, Shan-hu was just overly dramatic and she found a way to manipulate the general into spending his time with her. There was nothing wrong with her physically."

Later, as Mulan lay in bed alone, she put it together. Shan-hu must have cheated on General Li. That's what Honglian's remark that she should get a doctor like Shan-hu meant. Obviously their affair had come to light. The doctor was fired and Shan-hu was murdered. And Honglian had witnessed it.

She shivered and pulled her blanket tightly around her. Of course. Men could remarry, take as many wives as they wanted. But a widow was supposed to choose not to remarry; though there was no law prohibiting her from taking on a new husband, there was an unwritten expectation for women to remain faithful to their husbands even after their death. It was all the fault of some woman of high stature that lived hundreds of years ago and had set this example. Everyone had admired her virtue in making that choice and now all women had to live up to that standard.

And a husband could have an affair; it was his natural right for being born male. But not a wife; a wife could be executed for cheating on her husband. Even if General Li did throw Shan-hu into the well, the law wouldn't recognize him as a murderer, as Honglian called him.

He was merely meting out justice for a punishable crime that had been committed.

**V**

Just a few days after her discussion with Yun about doctors, Mulan became truly and inexplicably ill. The first thing she noticed was that her period, which should have ended a week before, still flowed. She wasn't in pain; but it was odd and she vaguely wondered if she ought to call a doctor in for that. It might have just been one of those things that happened to a woman sometimes. But then she became sick.

She was at the well with Honglian, one of her usual visits with Fourth Sister. They stood by the well together and Mulan watched as her elder sister peered down into the well, muttering that she wouldn't jump.

" _Mulan, come down here. Come down here."_

Mulan jumped back away from the well with a start, her body turning to ice. She could have sworn that the voice came from down inside the well. Was she starting to hear what Honglian heard?

Her head began to throb and she felt lightheaded.

"I have to go now, Honglian," she managed to utter quickly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Fourth Mistress didn't answer and Mulan began to walk back toward the compound, her vision blurring ever so slightly. Panic overtook her and she let out a soft cry, praying that she would make it back to the household. If she didn't, there was no telling when someone would find her out there in the garden.

As she drew near to Yun's home, she called out weakly. She never knew what happened next, blacking out before she reached the door to Second Sister's house.

**~~~~~**

Doctor Liang was a matured man with a kind face and mostly grey hair, peppered with some of his original black.

Yun had heard her call out. When she'd opened the door she found her lying on the ground. The servants had brought her back to her rooms and Song had immediately sent one of the servants to town to fetch Doctor Liang.

Now that she'd rested for awhile, the doctor began to ask her questions about her health lately and how she was feeling before she collapsed. Carefully leaving out the part about hearing the voice in the well, she told him she'd felt lightheaded and had a headache.

"And my period has been flowing for longer than usual."

"How long?"

"Two weeks."

The doctor raised an eyebrow but said nothing for a minute. Then he spoke, clearly taking great pain to address his question carefully.

"Would you have had any reason to be taking any herbal, medicinal teas?"

She shook her head. "No. I just drink regular tea."

"Hmm."

He frowned and remained quiet.

"What makes you ask?"

"Just trying to narrow down what caused you to become ill. The fact that you're bleeding for so long…are you in pain in this area?" he asked, indicating her pelvis and abdomen.

"No."

She stared at him quizzically, wondering what he could possibly be thinking.

"What's wrong with me?"

"I'm not sure. But your symptoms…" he hesitated for a moment. "You have symptoms like someone who has been taking abortion medicine."

Mulan inhaled sharply, swallowing cold air, then spoke in a shaky voice. "Abortion medicine?"

"The bleeding. And that medicine doesn't only cause abortion; it takes its toll on the body as well."

"I only drink tea…" Mulan trailed off as a horrifying thought occurred to her. "Regular tea," she continued, her voice shaking. "As far as I know it's regular tea."

She closed her eyes, a feeling of utter betrayal flooding her. The only tea she drank was that brought to her by the servants in her own rooms or when she was with Yun. No wonder she hadn't borne any children. Someone had been slipping her abortion medicine. And who knew how many times it had been given to her, or for how long?

For months, most likely.

**~~~~~**

After her discovery about the tea, Mulan decided that she'd spent enough time in General Li's house.

Doctor Liang came every day for several weeks to look after her. He ordered her meals to be brought to her rooms so she wouldn't have to exert herself and she remained in her rooms, resting until she had fully recovered. Yun tried to visit her on several occasions to see how she was doing, but Mulan begged out every time, explaining that she was tired or had a bad headache that day. She had no proof that it was Yun who had arranged for the abortion medicine to be slipped to her, but she had a strong suspicion about it. And she was in no mood to deal with her or anyone else in that place anyway.

When summer arrived again, marking nearly a year and a half since Mulan had come to live in the Li household, the general still hadn't returned yet. There was chatter among the servants in the household about rumors of Shan-Yu that they'd heard from the townspeople. He and his troops had instilled great fear in men far and wide in the Middle Kingdom. One rumor claimed that even officers of the Imperial army were struck with terror when they came face to face with this man.

Keeping a nonchalant façade to appear as if she paid no attention, she listened carefully as the servants talked, describing Shan-Yu and his men as ruthless barbarians that killed for the sake of killing, burning village after village of innocent civilians to the ground and leaving no survivors.

"Even women and children are not spared by these vermin."

For the first time Mulan was genuinely concerned that General Li would not return home.

Despair began to set in and she feared that her utter loneliness and boredom was beginning to drive her insane. Desolation and sadness seemed to weigh on her heart, soaking into it like rain, and her mind became preoccupied with the sole thought that she had to leave before she ended up like Honglian.

Until the master of the house returned, if he returned, she was nobody there. She was the fifth mistress, the last wife, and though it was due to nasty doings that she'd borne no children, as she now knew, it was still a fact despite General Li spending all that time with her.

And what if the general never returned? What if he was killed in battle? She would never have sex again. And she'd have absolutely no status in the household; it bothered her that this should have become so important to her, but unfortunately, that was how it had to be. In this household, it was a matter of survival. The servants would treat her differently and she would be left, alone and abandoned, a widow before the age of eighteen. Roaming the grounds like an abandoned ghost, with no hope of bettering herself or having the companionship of a man ever again, there was no doubt she would end up like Honglian.

Or like Yun, who was so vicious and cut-throat for the very same reasons that Honglian was insane.

She was certain that she would be better off on the outside. Even before she left her parents' house she knew that she would spend her life in slavery once she'd gone. If she hadn't married she would have had to work. It was unheard of for girls to inherit land from their fathers; girls left home and married, becoming the property of their husbands. Or they became concubines to already-married men as she had; and became property of their masters. And if they didn't become wives or concubines, they went to work, as servants or prostitutes. Whichever lot befell a woman, they were doomed to a life of slavery.

In the event that the general did return home, he'd be angry to find her gone; and disappointed. A tinge of sadness settled in her chest as she imagined the expression that would come to his face when he heard the news.

Her mind was made up. If she was going to be a slave anyway, she'd rather be one someplace other than the Li household, around people like Yun.

It would be necessary to travel light and as she gazed at the things in her rooms, she decided that only the belongings that she'd received from her father mattered to her. She dressed in his old training clothes, the hems of the sleeves and trousers now sewed up to fit her. Fa Zhou's armor would have to remain behind; it was impractical to carry it with her. But she would never give up his sword; she would need to protect herself anyway. She packed a small bag with necessary toiletries and some of the small, more expensive items from her rooms. She could trade with them. Then she donned a cloak to keep warm, and to hide the fact that she carried a sword, and quietly left the place that had been her home for almost eighteen months now.

She stole across the courtyard in the dark of night and slipped out the front gate, glancing to the right and then the left. The road stretched out ahead of her in either direction beneath thick canopies of trees, disappearing into blackness. Town was north, to the left, and she decided to head in that direction. In the morning she would try to procure a horse in exchange for some of the jewelry that the general had bestowed upon her during the first month that she lived there.

A feeling of excitement and anticipation swept through her as she embarked on this new adventure into the next phase of her life. Yet she was anxious about it too, her stomach fluttering with nervousness. What if she was caught? The townspeople most likely knew General Li as well as the members of his household. She hadn't been out of the compound in a year; but what if somehow someone recognized her?

And something else gnawed at her as she quietly hurried along the road, glancing back every once in awhile to see if the Li compound had disappeared from view yet. It was so large and imposing it seemed as if she wouldn't ever get far enough away that it would finally vanish from her line of sight. She thought of Honglian, still wandering aimlessly in the back area of the garden, circling the well, lost in the miasma of madness punctuated with periodic moments of painful clarity. How terrible to become like that; and worse to have those clear moments where she became aware of her condition, of how far down she had fallen.

Mulan heaved a sad sigh and shook her head. Even as she left that life behind out of fear of ending up like Honglian, she was haunted by her own decision. As a concubine, her position was considered less than honorable; yet it was a value that was taught to her all her life and which she clung to still. And a part of her wondered if it was wrong to behave this way, even if it was to save her own life.


	2. Gone (theme #26, gone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd pairing; not a romantic pairing.

Mulan wasn't in town long before she did meet someone she knew. First thing in the morning as she wandered through the village, getting her bearings and looking for a place to sell her possessions, she ran into Doctor Liang.

"Mistress Li. What brings you to town?"

It took her a moment to come up with an answer that wouldn't give her away.

"A necklace that the general gave me broke. I wanted to see if I could get it fixed," she answered nonchalantly, but she could feel her cheeks warming slightly as she uttered the lie.

"Ah," he replied, but there was just a hint of a knowing expression in his eyes. Or maybe she imagined it out of guilt. "You are looking pale still."

"I'm alright. Thank you for looking after me for those weeks."

"It's my job. But, really, you are not looking well. Come inside with me. I have a strengthening tea that will put the color back in your cheeks."

His voice was kind, almost fatherly, but she was reluctant to accept. This would detain her and the sooner she got out of that town the better. By now it was probably noticed that she was missing. And though this town was much larger than the village that she'd grown up in, out of all of the people there she'd already run into him just after arriving. Suppose Yun or one of the servants came into town and spotted her?

"The morning is just starting. You will have plenty of time to complete your errands."

"Thank you," she answered after another moment of hesitation. "You're very kind."

A short while later she sat at the table in the kitchen of his small but comfortable home, fingers clenching and unclenching nervously, as Doctor Liang brewed the tea.

"Make yourself comfortable," he laughed. "There is no need for you to sit here with your cloak on."

"I'm rather cold," she answered. There would be trouble if he or anyone else saw that she was dressed in a man's training clothing.

He finally joined her, setting two cups of tea down on the table. They sat in silence and Mulan sipped the hot liquid, mulling over several questions that were still on her mind. The doctor was observing her carefully, she noticed suddenly, and it nettled her.

"Something troubles you?" he finally asked.

He seemed genuinely concerned. She set her cup down and leaned forward with an intake of breath, prepared to speak. Changing her mind, she closed her mouth and sat back, frowning.

"Whatever you say will remain between us."

"It's nothing. Being ill has affected my mood. I'll be fine," she answered, forcing a reassuring smile to her lips.

"I am retired for the most part," he told her, changing the subject abruptly. "Doctor Sun treats most of the people that I used to. It is only General Li's family. He did not wish to use Doctor Sun anymore."

"I heard they had a falling out."

Doctor Liang began to chuckle heartily. "Yes, you could say that."

Mulan raised her cup and sipped her tea, regretting that she'd made the comment.

"There are many goings on in the Li household. No one talks about it. But people know. You are not the first wife in that house to have abortion medicine slipped to her."

The cup of tea nearly dropped out of her hand and she was rendered speechless with shock.

"You were unlucky and it worked," he continued. "That is the only explanation for you not getting pregnant in all that time."

Without warning, her throat constricted and she suddenly burst into tears. The cup clattered from the force that she used when she set it back down. She went to stand up, wanting to move away from the table, embarrassed at falling apart in front of him. That was no way to repay his hospitality. And what did he have to do with her troubles and sorrows anyway?

But he reached out and caught her arm before she could even stand.

"It's alright, Mistress."

She wiped her eyes quickly with the towel he handed her, muttering an apology. It wasn't even the fact that she didn't have a child that bothered her; that wasn't even something she was prepared for anyway. But she felt invaded. And angry. How dare anyone try to control what happened in her body?

"Is that how you knew?" she sniffled when her sobbing had subsided.

"If you were having a real miscarriage at the time, you would have felt it in this area."

He gestured.

"But you said you didn't. You weren't having a miscarriage. Something else was causing you to bleed. I believe that all the medicine that you were being given had accumulated in your system, making you ill."

There was a knock at the front door and Mulan started. Doctor Liang stood up, gesturing for her to remain where she was, and stepped out of the room, sliding the screen door shut behind him and obscuring her from view of whoever was there, much to her relief.

She tried to hear what was being said, but the voices were mutters and whispers. The door shut and Doctor Liang returned.

"I must go to the Li house now. There has been an incident with Fourth Mistress."

"What happened?" Mulan exclaimed in alarm, wondering if Honglian had finally jumped into the well this time.

"I fear that she may have harmed herself. I will not mention that I have seen you in town."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to leave right away. Stay and finish your tea."

Left alone, Mulan considered the next steps that she had to take. She would sell the small items, hopefully earning enough money to buy a horse and get home. She would have to camp along the way, something she'd never done before. But her father had told her stories of his days in the army, where he had to camp every day and she remembered every single one of them.

Thinking of her father made her feel sad once more. She couldn't imagine what the house would feel like without his presence.

Mulan had always been devoted to her loving father. Fa Zhou doted on his only daughter and she had never been for want. At eight years old she'd received her first horse. With no son to pass his knowledge on to, he had taught her martial arts and the stories of the warriors of the past.

His injury in the war and his forced retirement had been a shock to the whole family. But the medic had treated him immediately after the battle and fortunately, after much care, he was able to walk again, though his leg was in great pain. Mulan played a large part in Fa Zhou's care then, bringing him three cups of tea every morning as he said his prayers in the ancestral shrine and making sure he had his three cups at night as the doctor had ordered.

When she found that she was to be sent away to be General Li's mistress, she had been heartbroken. The idea of leaving her home and her family was devastating, especially at a time when her father was so ill. She'd feared that he would deteriorate when she left home; and the circumstances under which she left made it worse. Guilt flooded her as she thought of the way he looked as he bid her goodbye. He'd looked beaten, as if all his hopes in the world had been dashed to pieces. She'd done that.

Tears glistened in her eyes again as memories of those days flooded her mind. She remembered the letter from her mother that brought the terrible news of his death. He'd been in such horrible, constant pain, Fa Li had written. Eventually, he began to slowly lose weight, his body wasting as the pain rendered him unable to move, or even eat in the end. A prisoner in his own body. Her eyes closed and images played on the backs of her lids of him lying in bed, frail and emaciated, his face drawn like it was the day she left, contorted in pain.

She wept bitterly.

**~~~~~**

Pulling herself together finally, Mulan left Doctor Liang's house and went about her business. She managed to get a decent amount of money for the jewelry that she sold. There was enough to buy a horse, a small tent and a blanket, and food for her continued journey.

Her preparations done, she pulled the hood of her cloak over her head and mounted her new, temperamental black horse. She headed out of town at an easy gait, then spurred the horse into a canter as she cleared the boundaries of the village, heading toward home. Mama and Grandma would be surprised to see her and she would have to come up with some explanation for her presence there.

But she would worry about that later. Right now there were more pressing concerns. She was a lone traveler, and a woman, which made her vulnerable. And the journey ahead would be a treacherous one.

Still, it was exhilarating to gallop across an open field on horseback again, to know freedom, to be outside of the walls of the Li compound that, as large a span as they encompassed, had come to represent a prison cell to her.

Eventually she rode into a thick forest and as night fell she made camp, pitching her tent under a thick canopy of trees. Wrapping herself in the blanket, she settled into her shelter for the night.

But she found herself wondering about Honglian's fate, feeling oppressed with guilt that somehow she was responsible.

Sleep never came to her that night.

**~~~~~**

" _My, my. What beautiful blossoms we have this year."_

_Even before she understood the ramifications of her failed session at the matchmaker, Mulan sat under the magnolia tree in the family garden after she had returned from town, absently combing her fingers through her long, loose hair and brooding. She had long ago unpinned the thick locks from the bun that was the style of the married woman. The comb with the magnolia flower that had ornamented it now lay beside her on the stone bench, forgotten._

_Her father had cleared his throat as he approached hesitantly, and she looked up momentarily. Unable to face him, she'd turned away, lowering her head. Undaunted, he'd taken a seat beside her, casually beginning to remark on the blossoms of their favorite_ mulan _tree._

" _My, my. What beautiful blossoms we have this year. And look…this one's late. But I'll bet that when it blossoms, it will be the most beautiful of all."_

_Long, thin dexterous fingers gently picked up the comb and tenderly placed it in her hair. Mulan turned to her father, whose smile expressed nothing but love for his daughter. Her own lips curved into a small smile._

Tears burned her eyes as the memory of that day played over and over in her mind. Somehow, even when Fa Zhou had spoken in riddles, she always felt a little better. His voice was always gentle and kind and those cryptic phrases that he used were the right ones. Sometimes it took her awhile to grasp his meaning; but she always did eventually.

Living in General Li's house, she was part of his family. Tradition dictated that the woman became part of her husband's family, and that even when she went back to visit her own family, she be treated like a guest. She was no longer part of her parents' house anymore. Chances were that even if Fa Zhou still lived, she wouldn't have been able to visit very often, if at all.

But it didn't matter. She was still his daughter. Knowing that he was gone, that he was no longer alive on this earth cut her to the quick each time thoughts of him permeated her mind.

Wiping the tears from her eyes after a long, long time, she sighed. She remained sitting under the blossoming magnolia tree that she had arrived at, and which had sparked her weepiness and sad reminiscing, reflecting on the times she'd spent with him as a child, learning self-defense, watching him dance through sword forms when he was at his best; the first time he helped her mount onto her pony and taught her how to guide the horse, where the points were to coax him to turn, how to press him to gallop faster, how to draw the reins back and gather them tighter to slow him down and signal him to halt.

For the first time in her life she really understood how lucky she'd been to have him for a father and what a wonderful and privileged childhood she'd had. But after all he'd done for her she'd failed him as a daughter. Remorse weighed heavily on her heart whenever she had that thought.

Heaving one last heavy sigh, she stood up, determination swelling within her. Sitting here crying wouldn't accomplish or change anything. She hadn't been able to make things right while Fa Zhou lived; but she was resolved to somehow better honor his memory from now on.

Though she'd been bartered off as a general's concubine, the fifth and lowest wife, she had the capability to be much more than that. She had a quick mind and a discerning intellect, and thanks to her father's lessons she could take fairly good care of herself.

Was it so wrong to live up to her potential?


	3. Coming Home (theme #25, destruction)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3rd pairing. One-sided.

She was too numb to feel anger or even to weep as she disbelievingly surveyed the charred ruins of what was once her childhood home.

_I guess I won't need an excuse as to why I left the Li home_.

The thought ran through her head as if from a great distance away, through an obscuring haze. She felt as if something had shut down inside of her. Like a somnolent, she wandered through the wreckage, feeling as if she wasn't in her own body. Oddly enough the temple was the only thing that remained standing and she picked her way through piles of stone and burnt wood that littered the once-beautiful garden, ascending the hill and entering the place where she'd prayed to the ancestors as a little girl, where her father had prayed every morning.

It was eerie how their ancestral shrine had been left completely untouched. She lit a stick of incense from the supply and placed it in the holder, then knelt before the wooden tablets with the family names inscribed. Fa Zhou's name was already there. The names of her grandmother and her mother would need to be added now that they'd joined the ancestors in such an untimely manner.

Mulan leaned all the way forward and pressed her forehead to the cold stone floor of the temple, eyes closed, lips moving in prayer. After a long time she raised her head and leaned back on her haunches.

Her mind clicked into a tired, shocked sort of order and she stood up. She turned and exited the temple, standing at the top of the hill for a few minutes and gazing out over the expanse of destruction. Then she headed down toward where the house had once been, stopping at the reflective pool. At one time it had been clear and peaceful; now it was murky and dirty.

The sound of shifting pebbles to her left made her jump and she snapped her head around to look toward where it had come from. A mouse was poking its small head through a pile of rubble. Paying no attention to her, it struggled to pull its body through a crack in the heap of stone. Once free, the rodent sat still for a moment, nose twitching, beady eyes staring at her.

Without thinking Mulan spat at it and the animal scurried away in fright. A carved face in the stone debris caught her eye and she moved closer, kneeling down to pick it up. She winced, half-mindedly shifting and grasping her knee after the jagged edge of a rock made a gash that began to bleed a moment later. Paying no attention she picked up what she now identified to be the head of the Great Stone Dragon that had once overlooked the pond.

_The most powerful guardian._

That had turned out to be a useless idea. She was about to toss it back onto the pile, but something made her stop and gently place it back from where she'd taken it instead. An ingrained belief that she couldn't shake perhaps.

Heaving a sigh, she stood up and absentmindedly dusted herself off, then turned and headed back toward where she'd left her horse.

The entire village was gone. As she approached from the south, the usual outline of buildings hadn't appeared. Only the guard tower, the place where the drum was beaten to warn everyone of an approaching Imperial guard, remained standing amidst the devastation.

First, she would put the names of her deceased mother and grandmother onto the ancestral tablets. Then she would decide what to do next.

**~~~~~**

With deep trepidation, she pushed the vines aside and gazed down over the tents that blanketed the valley before her, her face creased into a deep frown. What was she thinking? This had to be the most foolish thing that had ever come into her head.

Her new black horse whinnied impatiently behind her and she turned to him, clacking her tongue at him to quiet him down. He began to stamp his feet and she moved toward him, reaching out to pat his nose.

"Shh! You're going to give me away."

He settled down finally and butted her with his head, nearly knocking her over.

"Well, what do you think, Khan? Should I go down there or keep going?"

The black steed neighed cryptically.

"That man in the village called me a young man when he saw me with my hair tied back. So I know I can pass. And I know some fighting techniques and self-defense. They'll probably put me in with all the new recruits."

She received another ambiguous whinny from Khan and fell silent. He must have been smart enough to realize that this was foolish, too.

And yet, ever since that man in the village she rode through referred to her as a young man, that part of her that had shut down seemed to switch back on as the plan formulated itself in her head in the blink of an eye. The idea had completely seized her, causing her to leap up during the middle of the night at times and begin pacing from the excitement of it. She could pull it off. Despite her anxiety about it, she felt unable to shake the compulsion, an inexplicable need to do it. She wanted to, needed to fight, for a reason that she sensed instinctively in the core of her being but couldn't put words to. And her father's name was all over the scrolls posted in the marketplace. News of his death had somehow been lost on the bureaucrats. But she could go in his place.

Taking a deep breath, she took hold of Khan's reins and began to lead him out of the forest toward the camp.

**~~~~~**

Mulan's breath caught in her throat as she found herself staring up at the angry-looking young man that she'd met in the corridor the first day she wandered around the Li compound. It seemed like so long ago, but two years hadn't quite passed yet. General Li's eldest son was the captain of the regiment of new recruits.

"Name?" he demanded, leaning in to get in her face.

"Fa, sir."

"Fa? Do you have a first name?"

She tried to think quickly but her mind seemed to have come to a screeching halt.

"Well?" the scrawny man beside the young captain demanded. He clutched a writing tablet and a brush, which was poised to write at a moment's notice, but now he gestured at her with it and she involuntarily pulled her head back away from him, thinking that he was going to poke her with it. "Your commanding officer asked you your first name."

"It's Ping," she blurted out finally, thinking of General Li's little son from Shan-hu.

Captain Li raised an eyebrow and fixed her with a quizzical stare. "Ping?"

"Yes, sir."

"Let me see your conscription notice," he ordered, holding out a hand to accept it.

"I don't have one, sir," she answered, swallowing hard and continuing quickly. "I was called into service…but my village and my home were destroyed. I had to leave in a hurry and wasn't able to retrieve it."

Heavy grief weighed on her heart but she made an effort to keep her face blank.

"Fa," he repeated distantly. He seemed to be turning something over in his mind. "Any relation to Fa Zhou?"

"He was my father, sir."

"I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son," the skinny man exclaimed in genuine surprise. "He was one of the Emperor's favored generals at one time. You would think that there would have been talk about a son following in his footsteps."

"Well, he never talked about me much."

"Hmph." His eyes were narrow slats as he fixed her with an expression of disdain and suspicion. Then he leaned in to speak to the captain confidentially. "I don't know where this boy is from. But if he's Fa Zhou's son, I'm the Jade Emperor."

For another moment Captain Li held her gaze and her face flamed as she became intensely uncomfortable, praying that he didn't somehow recognize her. She'd intruded on him that day and he was angry, but her status was so low in that household it was doubtful that he'd even paid her enough mind to remember her features. Still, he might have…

After a brief pause his face softened ever so slightly and he patted her on the shoulder in a manner of one comrade to another.

"You'll get the chance to have revenge for your loss. But I won't tolerate trouble in my camp. Save it for when we're fighting the enemy."

"Yes, sir," she answered.

He strode off, circumventing her, and addressed the assembled company, ordering all of them to pick up every single grain of rice before they turned in that night.

There were grumbles and hissing behind her and she could feel the other recruits glaring at her. But they were of no concern to her. She was more concerned with the look in the cat-like eyes of the skinny man that had stood beside the captain.

He was eyeing her as if she was prey.

**~~~~~**

His name was Chi Fu, she found out that evening, and he was the Emperor's counsel.

It was a long night and everyone in camp hated her already. They blamed her for starting the fight and for the fact that they were all stuck cleaning up the camp.

There was no reasoning with anyone here. She'd accidentally bumped into a guy who very clearly had a short fuse and he'd tried to punch her. His fist landed in someone else's face as she dodged it. One thing led to another and soon she was being chased around the camp by a gang of ticked off recruits. She wasn't sure if she was the one that had tipped over the kettle of rice, but it didn't matter.

She was aware of a pair of gleaming eyes watching her as she remained bent on the ground with the others, cleaning up the mess. The large tent next to the captain's was his; the flap was open. He stood there, his dark skinny silhouette the only thing visible. But she knew he was staring at her. She could feel it.

**~~~~~**

If being cooped up in General Li's household had caused her to become sedentary and bored, military training would very quickly fix that ill. The very first morning they were lined up by dawn, ready to begin calisthenics. But she was grateful to be active. The pampered life she'd led as General Li's fifth wife was comfortable but boring and depressing. At least being here had been her choice.

Captain Li Shang was tough. Disciplined, serious and strict he demanded the very best from each and every one of his men. He taught them how to fish bare-handed and drilled them in hand-to-hand combat, archery, staff and swordplay. He drilled them day and night, forcing them to build up their strength and stamina.

Mulan wasn't used to this level of physical exertion and she didn't have the brute strength that the others had. Training was very difficult for her. Even the little bit of self-defense that her father had taught her was no match against her captain's prowess at hand to hand fighting and in her first sparring match with him he gave her a black eye.

And she found that she made mistakes constantly, so nervous had she become with the counselman's eyes always on her. Why was he staring at her so intently all the time? Had he seen through her disguise?

She knew the captain wasn't happy with her performance. While Chi Fu eyed her with an expression that made her skin crawl, Captain Li scowled at her constantly. He wasn't cruel; in fact, he spent a lot of time with her, giving her special attention and helping her to improve her form and her skill. But she could sense his patience wearing thin, his attitude toward her as the puny, weak recruit who would never measure up. Often she questioned herself why she had even taken it into her head to do this.

One day, several weeks into the training, the captain led them on a long hike through the mountains surrounding camp. They left before sunrise, each of them carrying weights on their shoulders. Mulan fell behind and didn't return to camp until well after sundown, without the weight, defeated in body and spirit. She had fallen underneath the burden that she carried earlier in the hike. Captain Li had backtracked to where she was, picked up the weight easily and, glancing down at her in disgust, turned and left her there on the ground, hurrying off to catch up to the rest of the recruits.

The rest of the troop had eaten dinner already when she returned.

"Ping."

Mulan glanced at the captain as she entered camp. He stood in front of his tent, arms folded and she stopped.

"The cook saved some dinner for you. Go to the mess tent and eat. When you're finished eating report back to me."

"Yes, sir."

Dread gripped her as she turned and trudged toward the mess tent, not feeling much like eating. She was sure that whatever the captain had to say to her, it wouldn't be good news.

**~~~~~**

Mulan stood in the place where they'd lined up the first morning of camp, Khan's reins in her hand, her eyes trained on the ground dejectedly. Not surprisingly, the captain had dismissed her from the army. His demeanor was stern as usual, yet he broke the news to her as kindly as possible.

"You've worked very hard over these past weeks, Ping. But you're just not suited for battle and you're too young. I have no doubt that you'll make a fine warrior some day, when you're grown up, but now I need men who are up to the task."

Where could she go now?

In the dark she raised tear-filled eyes to the top of the pole that rose up out of the ground a few feet from where she stood, absently noting the arrow that still jutted out from the top. Captain Li shot it up there on their first morning of training, challenging them to climb up and retrieve it. With the added catch of heavy bronze discs tied to their arms and weighing them down, to this day no one had been able to scale the pole and reach the arrow. One disc represented discipline, the captain told them. The other represented strength.

" _You need both to reach the arrow."_

She looked away and began to lead Khan forward, toward the edge of camp then stopped as a thought occurred to her. If she could be the first one to reach the arrow, maybe the captain would let her stay and give her another chance to prove herself. Those discs were so heavy though, the wood of the pole so smooth it was almost impossible to climb. She had to try.

The discs lay in the box that Chi Fu had brought to the captain the first morning, in the area where the weapons were kept. Setting the box on the ground near the pole, she opened it and retrieved the discs, tying one around each wrist, and proceeded to try to climb the pole.

But the task was impossible, and as had happened the very first time she tried it, she skidded down and landed on her rear end before she was even more than a foot off the ground. There was nothing to anchor her and it was impossible to keep a foothold on the sleek finish of the wood. And those damned bronze discs were so heavy she could barely lift her arms.

A snicker in the night made her jump and she whirled around, her eyes darting this way and that, trying to figure out who it had come from. She saw nothing and her eyes fell on Khan, who stood patiently and watched her.

"Did you hear anything, Khan?"

The horse snorted at her.

"Maybe it was you laughing at me." She sighed. "I don't blame you. I'm pretty laughable."

Taking one more look around and seeing no one she turned back to the task at hand.

_Strength and discipline._

She didn't know how many times that night she thought of those words and tried to climb the stupid pole, to no avail. This last time she managed to get a little further up but not much.

Sighing heavily, she remained seated on the ground and peered with annoyance at the weights tied to her wrists.

" _This represents discipline. And this represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow."_

What was she missing? The weights were representative, the captain had said. That meant they had some purpose other than being the burden that they were. Otherwise, what was the point?

Mulan thought of her father. Fa Zhou had always spoken in riddles and used symbolism in his talks with her. She closed her eyes and thought of him.

_You need both to reach the arrow._

Something clicked into place in her mind. The weights weren't supposed to be a burden, they were supposed to help. That's what it meant.

Opening her eyes again, she studied the weights carefully, pondering how they could possibly help her. The problem was getting a good foothold, and for that she needed something to anchor her. The bronze weights.

With renewed vigor she stood up and hooked the weights around the pole, locking them together. They clicked right into place and she tugged at it. Strong and sturdy.

Another sound in the night made her start and she glanced around warily, wanting to call out and ask who was there. She had a sneaking suspicion it was the counselman, who had always seemed to be lurking about wherever she was, watching. It was rather creepy. Yet he never approached her, never let on that he knew she was anyone other than who she said she was.

Turning back to the pole she shook off the thoughts and hoisted herself up with the aid of the weights. She had a task to complete and at this point she was supposed to be gone from camp. Ignoring whoever might have been watching her, she braced herself and eased the locked weights higher to give herself another lift.

Little by little she inched up the pole. By the time the sun began to rise she was more than halfway there and she became aware of someone watching her. Catching sight of Chi Fu's gleaming eyes, she nearly lost her grip, so rattled was she to see him there. He _had_ been watching all this time.

Exhausted and worn out, her muscles hurting from working all night, she slid down and lost some ground. But she retained her foothold and kept going, finally reaching the top of the pole as the sun peeked out just beyond the horizon.

To her great surprise she was greeted with loud cheers as she grabbed the arrow and took a seat at the top of the pole. She grinned down at the troop, now gathered outside of their tents and shouting wildly, as proud of her as she was of herself. There were only two people missing from the crowd. The captain and the counselman, who'd disappeared. Maybe he'd been hoping to see her fail.

She kept her eye on the captain's tent, and as the flap moved aside and he stepped out, she sent the arrow whizzing toward him to land at his feet.

**~~~~~**

Splashes in the water and shouts from the men filled the air. Mulan remained as still as possible, hidden behind the large rock. They should have all been in bed by now. She had been so sure that it was late enough and that they would have bathed long before now.

She shivered and cursed inwardly. The water wasn't that cold but she'd been in too long and the crisp chill of autumn was already in the night air.

It was possible that she could slip out of the lake quickly and hide herself. She was very close to shore. But then there was the chance that someone would catch a glimpse of her before her body was sufficiently hidden.

_I have a knack for getting myself into terrible situations lately_ , she thought with a frown.

Holding onto the rock with one hand to keep her head above water and wrapping her other arm around her chest she peered around the large boulder to see what the others were doing. They were busy splashing each other and chances were they wouldn't hear her, or see her.

Mulan drew in a breath and inched toward the shore as quietly as she could, the rock still obstructing the view of her. Ducking her head and wrapping her arms around her chest she dashed out of the water and into the clump of trees where she'd left Khan. She snatched the towel that she'd left on the tree and wrapped it around herself quickly, still shuddering from the chill that had seeped into her bones from remaining in the cool lake too long.

Thinking that she heard the sound of a twig snapping she froze and her eyes darted around nervously. She quickly grabbed her tunic and slipped it on, closing it and easing the towel further down to cover her waist and thighs.

"Fa Ping." She recognized the silky, taunting drawl of the counselman.

Schooling her face into an impassive mask, she turned to face him. "Counselman…" she greeted and stopped, taken aback by the sight that greeted her.

Chi Fu was in nothing but a robe and slippers, his bony limbs poking out here and there. His eyes combed her from head to toe in a way that made her excruciatingly uncomfortable. Then he licked his lips in a manner that she'd only seen General Li do when he took in her naked form.

She could have taken him easily if it came to that. After her triumph in retrieving the arrow the captain had let her stay. She'd found new strength inside herself and improved in all areas of the training then. Chi Fu was a weakling and skinnier than she was. But she didn't want things to come to that. He was the Emperor's counsel, after all, and she was in the awkward and vulnerable position of wearing nothing around her waist other than a towel.

Involuntarily she took a step back away from him, giving him space to pass and hoping that he would.

Shouts and laughter interrupted the tense moment. Several of the men had moved to the rock where Mulan had been hiding and they glimpsed the two of them standing there.

The counselman sniffed at her and strode toward the water, passing her by. Mulan released a relieved exhale and turned back to her horse, not wishing to glimpse him removing his robe. She grabbed her trousers and began to lead Khan away.

Once out of sight, she quickly slipped on her pants and hurried back to camp.

**~~~~~**

Troubled and unable to sleep, Mulan remained outside of her tent.

"What am I going to do, Khan?" she murmured to the steed as she groomed him where he was tethered to a nearby tree. "That man…looks at me…he must suspect the truth. If he thought I was a man, he wouldn't look at me that way, would he?"

This time she'd escaped from the awkward situation; but what about next time?

There was no time to brood about it further. The captain called them all to order and they lined up in the center of camp. They were going to be moving out to battle in the morning. General Li's troop was stationed in a village in the mountains, on the way to the Imperial City, and they would be joining it.

Now she had something else to worry about.


	4. Secrets and Lies (theme #28, secret)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4th pairing.

**I**

The march was long and tiring. They spent hours in the saddle every day for weeks, trotting through fields and forests, over rugged and rocky terrain, finally ascending into high mountains toward the village at the pass where General Li was stationed with his troops.

Mulan became more and more apprehensive as they drew closer to that meeting place. She brought up the rear with some of the other younger recruits, and chances were that the general would hardly be likely to pay attention to their group. Why would he be interested in the youngest and least experienced recruits? No, chances were he'd speak only to his son and the counselman, not sparing anyone else a second glance.

Still, what if he recognized her? Her transgressions were multiple, after all; she'd left his home and her place as his fifth wife. She'd impersonated a man and a soldier. And if she was caught, it would be a dishonor to the Imperial Army. Death was the only punishment fitting for such a list of crimes and no doubt he would execute her on the spot.

And maybe that would be for the best. Perhaps it was her destiny all along; after all, she wouldn't be the first of his wives that he'd killed. His third wife had almost certainly died at his hand. She'd cheated on him and he'd meted out justice. She never discovered what had become of Honglian, his fourth wife. Doctor Liang had left her to finish her tea that day she ran into him in the village, advising her that there had been an incident but revealing nothing more.

_I fear she may have harmed herself._

A twinge of guilt gripped her when she recalled his words. There was nothing she could do now, but she couldn't help but wonder. Would things have been different for Honglian had she stayed?

The men around her passed the long and wearisome days of travel by singing, mostly about women, the lyrics often becoming quite raunchy. But she took it in stride, tuning it out, glad to be all the way in the back; for Chi Fu rode up front with the captain and she preferred to be as far away from him as possible. In the evenings when they stopped to make camp for the night she could still feel his eyes on her wherever she went. Yet, he still hadn't come forward to announce that he knew her secret.

Whenever they were camped near a lake or stream she bathed, but she was extra careful ever since the last night at Wu Zhong when she'd nearly been caught. She only went either very late, long after the rest of the troop had turned in, or very early, a couple of hours before sunrise.

They were marching through high terrain now, where snow covered the jagged peaks and the winding mountain path ahead of them. Mulan was grateful for her armor, having packed the bare minimum of warm clothing, particularly the helmet that kept her head warm and might also possibly hide her face from General Li.

The men bantered and bragged about women and drink as always. Mulan was too busy bracing herself against the wind that howled and whipped against her face to care what they had to say. As they reached the summit, she noticed that the captain and the men following right behind him had stopped; so had their casual chatter. The stench of burnt wood and something else reached her nostrils before she arrived at the top of the hill and she felt her stomach clench. Her burned-down village had smelled exactly the same way.

She reached the crest, joining the others, and her heart sank as she took in the sight. The village was gone, except for several burnt skeletons of what were houses and buildings. Flames still licked at a few of the structures, slowly dying out. The bell in the middle of the town swung in the wind, eerily clanging out at distant intervals, as if tolling for each victim.

"Search for survivors," Captain Li ordered, turning his horse and heading off in one direction to survey the details of the scene.

Mulan dismounted and, leaving Khan behind, walked along what must have been the main street of the village. An object lay in her path and she stooped to have a look. It was a small doll in a red dress. She scooped it up, tears welling up in her eyes, and clutched it against her chest. At the sound of horses' hooves behind her she straightened up and composed herself.

"I don't understand. My father should have been here." There was confusion in the captain's voice as he spoke. He'd dismounted and had come to stand right beside her, looking somewhat lost.

She glanced at him, unable to answer. A terrible feeling had formed in the pit of her stomach and she dreaded what was to come.

"Captain! Captain!" the counselman shouted in alarm.

Li Shang hurried over to him and Mulan followed at a distance. Seeing the captain's ashen face and expression of horror when he stopped, she knew before she even looked what kind of scene would greet her when she gazed down into the valley below them. Bloody, broken bodies were sprawled throughout the open plain. Armor and swords lay strewn about, a wheel of one of the overturned carts spun lightly in the wind; even the horses hadn't been spared.

One of the soldiers of their troop was approaching from the valley. He reached the captain and held out a helmet with two plumes and a sword.

"The general," he uttered sadly.

Mulan felt as if she'd been stabbed through the heart as she took in the sight of General Li's helmet. Her mind ground to a sudden halt and for a long time she couldn't move a muscle. A scream was forming deep inside of her, but it remained lodged in her throat, unable to reach the air.

The sweep of the red cape of the captain's uniform as he turned and walked off caught her eye and she was pulled somewhat out of her shocked stupor.

_His father._

With a choked cry she dropped to her knees, the doll that she'd picked up falling to the ground. She knelt there for a long time, her face buried in her hands, wanting the tears to flow but unable to make them come. It was as if she was seeing her village, her home all over again.

She was a widow. And Captain Li had lost his father.

**~~~~~**

"How are you doing?"

Mulan looked up from where she sat before the small fire she'd made, off away from the others. The captain pushed his cape behind him and took a seat next to her on the grass.

She turned back and stared into the flames with a shrug. "Okay."

Casting a furtive glance his way when he spoke no further she saw that he was observing her carefully, his characteristic serious expression in place but with a tinge of concern mixed in. She sighed inwardly, thinking that he ought to be worried about himself not her. He'd suffered a terrible loss that day.

True, she wasn't as stoic and in control as he was. In fact, she had to admire the courage and strength of character that he'd shown in the face of the greatest grief.

"Shan-Yu's army is moving quickly," he'd ordered, mounting his steed again and gesturing to the pass ahead of them. His emotions had been in check, his youthful voice commanding as always. "We'll reach the Imperial City faster through the Tung Shao Pass. We're the only hope for the Emperor now. Move out."

Watching him continue on in the face of tragedy had given her strength. And before following him and the rest of the troop away from that gut-wrenching scene, she'd laid the doll that she'd found at the foot of the memorial he'd made for his father out of his own sword and the general's helmet. He'd kept General Li's sword.

A dull ache settled in her heart as she thought about the general. Despite what she had now pieced together about his third wife and Honglian, he had been very kind to her. She didn't even mind sleeping with him after a while. His body was warm and strong and comforting, and he was experienced. Once she became relaxed about sex, he pleasured her easily. And he pampered her, almost as if _he_ were her father.

She was certain she would never know any of that again.

"I know how difficult it must have been to see that, after seeing your own village…" he trailed off as she turned away again without answering.

He cleared his throat.

"Ping, you've proven yourself to be an excellent soldier, despite how much younger you are than most of the men. But I know what happened before you joined my regiment…I want to make sure that you're okay."

"I'm fine. And I don't know what anyone told you, but I wasn't crying," she muttered defiantly, frowning at him.

It was true. Other than one choked sob the sounds hadn't wanted to come out of her. And she suspected that if they did, they would have been screams, not crying.

"Everyone was horrified at that scene today," he remarked.

Mulan dug her fingers into the grass, pulling up clumps of it and irritably flinging them back to the ground. She knew that the captain was just making sure that 'Ping' hadn't been pushed over the edge, that he wasn't going to run off half-cocked in the midst of a battle; but the discussion was nettling her for some reason.

Captain Li patted her on the shoulder, in the same manner that he had after she approached him as he prayed over his father's memorial at the scene of that battle.

" _I'm sorry."_

That was all she could think to say to him in the moment. She barely knew anything about his relationship to General Li; her status was too low for her to have been privy to such a thing. Whether they were close or not, she only knew that it was devastating to lose one's father. Her words weren't nearly enough to provide comfort. But the captain had stood up and turned to her, placing a hand on her shoulder and gazing at her in grateful acknowledgement before walking past her and to his horse.

"You should get something to eat, Ping," he told her now, his voice somehow gruff and gentle at the same time. "We have to get moving and we'll be marching through the night to catch up to Shan-Yu. You'll need your strength."

The fact that he'd noticed that she hadn't eaten took her aback. He was genuinely concerned about his soldier, and clearly watching her very carefully.

"Yes, sir," she answered.

He stood up and held a hand out to help her up. She accepted it gratefully and managed a small smile.

**~~~~~**

There was darkness. Then she remembered splotches of red on an endless white landscape; blood. And a mountain of snow rushing toward her.

Her throat was parched and it hurt to swallow. Slowly her eyes fluttered open and she took in her surroundings. She was lying on the ground, covered in thick blankets, and she was in a tent. Concentric circles of light reflected off the canvas from the lantern that sat beside her.

A groan involuntarily escaped her lips as she attempted to stir, finding that her body was sore and tender. She'd been wounded, she remembered now, her abdomen sliced at the end of the jagged blade of the enemy's sword. An unusually designed blade, wielded by a man who was a size that she never imagined men could come in. And then the avalanche that she had caused was thundering toward her, threatening to engulf her and her comrades.

Muffled voices outside of the tent became louder and the words became clearer.

"I knew it! I knew it!" The counselman. His whiny, nasal voice was unmistakable. "I knew there was something about that so-called _soldier_."

"That so-called soldier saved us all," she recognized the captain's voice. "Saved me personally."

"It's ultimate dishonor and the punishment is death. You know that, Captain Li, and it's your duty to carry out that punishment. She's lucky that it worked out and she saved us. You know as well as I do that her reckless behavior might have just as easily brought about disaster."

_She._ Mulan began to tremble underneath the blankets at the gravity of the counselman's use of that pronoun. They knew about her.

The captain sighed audibly. "It's because of her strategy that our enemy was stopped."

There was silence for several moments.

"No." It was Captain Li's voice again. "I won't kill her. The medic will see to it that she's healed and as soon as she is, I'll send her on her way. But I won't take the life of someone who saved my life, who saved all of our lives."

"But…"

"I've made my decision. That's it. I want answers from her before we part ways anyhow."

"This is completely irregular, Captain Li. What would your father say?"

Heavy silence fell for several moments before the captain spoke up again, his voice harsh.

"My father is not here to say anything. Besides, we don't know what her intentions are. She could be a spy for Shan-Yu."

"No doubt." A characteristic sniff accompanied that remark.

"Well, then you can see my point. Just killing her would be unwise. Also, no one else is to hear of this. Only the medic, you and I know the truth about Fa Ping, and that's the way it will stay."

A sharp squeal of disbelief escaped from Chi Fu. "What? Surely you don't think that I'm going to keep this from the Emperor! I _am_ his counsel."

"True. But we're a hundred miles from the Imperial City. I've made my decision. This stays between you, me and Doctor Yang. When we return to Chang'an you can tell the Emperor whatever you wish. By that time she'll have gone on her way anyway."

"The Emperor will have your head for this, Captain Li. You've been warned. I wash my hands of anything that happens next because of your failure to carry out his law."

"Fine. And if we find out valuable information about the enemy from her, the Emperor will be grateful that I didn't just kill her without a second thought."

There was a rustle as the tent flap was pushed aside and the captain's broad body filled the entrance. He stepped in and tied the flaps behind him, then approached her where she lay and sat down beside her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice even and calm.

She gazed up at him searchingly, unable to read his thoughts and feelings in his expression, which remained detached yet concerned all at once.

"Thirsty," she managed to utter, her voice crackling.

He nodded and reached over, taking up a water skin. With one hand he lifted and supported her head, with the other he brought the skin to her lips. She lapped up the liquid, closing her eyes as it wetted and soothed her throat.

Finished drinking she lay back down, eyeing him warily.

Li Shang set aside the water skin and folded his arms, staring at her steadily.

"You're insane," he finally stated flatly.

Mulan didn't answer. What was there to say to that?

"You'll stay with us until you're healed. And then I'm leaving you. You're dishonorable and you deserve nothing better than to be left here to die. But you saved all of our lives, you saved my life."

His quiet, controlled demeanor terrified her more than if he'd been shouting at her.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to execute me. Maybe you should."

She was surprised at how calm her own voice was.

His eyes were cold, the way they were that day she met him in the corridor at the Li compound. Such a long time ago.

"Why did you leave my father's house?"

That threw her for a loop and she felt her heart skip a beat. He knew her after all. She didn't even think that he'd given her a second look that day.

There was no way she could explain it to him. He just wouldn't understand.

"What did you think you were doing? Did you come looking for him?"

Unable to speak, she merely shook her head.

"You're his _concubine_. A life under his roof wasn't good enough for you? Why would you do this?"

"I didn't think you knew me," she whispered, her voice barely audible to her.

Surprise slid into his eyes momentarily before he suppressed it and schooled his face into stone again.

"We only met once." Her voice was stronger as she continued. "And I didn't think you would remember me…I never saw you after that."

"Second Wife used to complain to my father about how you were outside practicing martial arts. As did the servants. Were you preparing yourself for the army, _Fifth Mistress_?"

Hot prickles of shame ran through her body. His tone was undeniably acidic as he emphasized those words. Her destiny and status in life had been set when she was married off to General Li as a fifth wife. Try as she might have to escape it, here it was staring her in the face again. Li Shang's words brought that home harder than ever.

"Was this some kind of game you were playing? Some sort of trick?"

"No!" she answered fervently. Catching herself, she took a deep breath and schooled her own face into a stoic mask. "No, sir."

He sighed in exasperation. "Will you at least tell me why you came here? Into my camp?"

"It was a coincidence that I ended up in your camp. When I returned to my family's home, it had been destroyed. The whole village had been. And…his name was still on the scrolls that were up in town. I thought…" she trailed off, not wishing to continue. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do; now it just seemed ridiculous and foolish to her. And she knew it would have come across that way to him.

"Why did you go back to your family's home? It's outrageous for you to have left your husband's home!"

She thought of the abortion medicine that Yun had been slipping into her tea, and of Honglian and what she had gone through. And she lamented the life that she'd been thrown into, having to leave her family behind just as her own father was dying. Shang would never understand. How could he? It had nothing to do with him; he was so far above the petty bickering that went on between General Li's wives. And what would he know of a woman's troubles?

Tears began to stream from her eyes and she winced, trying to stifle the sobs that shook her body, jostling her wound and causing her excruciating pain. Besides, she didn't want to cry in front of _him_.

"I'm very tired," she managed to say, regaining control of herself.

"Rest now then." His voice was low and rough. "I'll return later to speak with you."

**II**

Pitch dark slumber was punctuated with harsh, feverish nightmares filled with images of blood and snow and burning villages. Mulan woke with a cry each time, shivering even though she was drenched in sweat. Muddled thoughts and toiling emotions kept her awake then until she drifted off again, finally exhausted from the pain of her wound and anguish from mulling on her precarious predicament.

The cycle continued through the night. In her waking moments chaotic thoughts filled her head, keeping sleep at bay. Unanswerable questions nagged at her and she found herself thinking of every moment of her time in the army, wondering when exactly Li Shang knew who she was. Was it when she arrived at camp? After discovering that she was a woman and then recognizing her? Or was it some time in between? And if the former was the case, why had he continued on as if nothing had changed?

And what about Chi Fu? Did he know? If so, why hadn't he said anything? She pondered his habitual leering, the expression on his face as he watched her all the time. Maybe he hadn't said anything because he was planning to do something else? There was that time by the lake at camp; she'd stood before him half-dressed praying that he would stop staring at her and pass her by. What would he have done if the other men in the lake hadn't happened to move to that side of the rock and view them? She shuddered at the next thought.

The bandages wound around her body and the soreness of her wound made it impossible for her to toss and turn, no matter how uncomfortable and restless she felt. So she lay still during this last bout of wakefulness, feeling as if she would go mad, tears leaking from her eyes.

"It was all for nothing," she muttered to herself.

Shifting material rustled to her right and she turned toward the sound, blinking in bewilderment as she beheld the outline of a large frame. She squinted in the darkness, trying to make out the features of the man sitting there. Was it the captain?

"Are you alright, Mulan?" he asked. She imagined that she almost heard concern in his voice and the use of her given name took her aback somewhat. With the utterance of her name their interaction had taken a sudden turn to a more personal level, no longer captain and subordinate.

"Yes."

"I can wake the medic if you wish. He'll give you some more medicine for the pain."

"It's okay."

He sat silently, watching her as she lay there, making her feel transparent and vulnerable. After what seemed an uncomfortable eternity he finally spoke again.

"You were foolish to use your own surname. I thought you seemed familiar that first day at camp, and I recognized the Fa surname of course. I believed that you were his son, as you said, which to me explained the resemblance to his daughter Mulan, who as far as I knew was in my father's home. It never occurred to me that you could possibly be that girl."

She closed her eyes momentarily as remorse pervaded her. "I'm sorry, Shang," she answered softly, now using his given name for the first time too. "I never meant for it to go this far."

"You mean you never meant to get caught," he retorted.

Silence stretched between them again. Without even seeing his face clearly in the dark she could sense the sneer on his face, feel the anger and disgust exuding from him. Shame threatened to overwhelm her once more and she brought a hand up to swipe at her eyes where tears were beginning to pool again.

"Your father was a great general, even more renowned than my father. I suppose he taught you those martial arts moves that you were practicing outside all of the time."

"He taught me to defend myself."

"And you took his lessons to heart apparently," he remarked, his voice positively venomous.

Mulan hesitated. "Are you going to question me about Shan-Yu?"

"What?" he snapped.

"I heard…"

He cut her off brusquely. "Don't worry about what you heard."

A soft whimper escaped her as she shifted, weary of remaining in one position and trying to get a little more comfortable.

"You're in pain. I'll wake Doctor Yang."

"No, it's alright," she protested.

"I'm already awake."

Another figure stood behind the captain, holding a lit lantern. Shang stood up and moved aside so the doctor could tend to her.

Doctor Yang was a matured gentleman with grey hair and a creased face. He'd been at Wu Zhong, though Mulan only visited him once when she had caught a throat infection that was going around. He sat by her side now sprinkling herbs from a sack into a small bowl and pouring hot water over it.

"The tea needs to cool and then you can drink it," he told her. "It will dull the pain and help you sleep."

**~~~~~**

"It's going to snow soon," the doctor remarked as he cut away the old dressing.

Mulan didn't know how many days had passed and she hadn't seen the outside of the tent since before she was wounded.

"How can you tell?" she asked, wincing though she felt no pain yet. She was anticipating it.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No. I'm just waiting for it…"

He chuckled warmly. "Anyway, I have aches and pains, which get worse when there's moisture in the air. It's too cold for rain. No, it will be snow, or worse, ice."

Doctor Yang set the old cut up bandage aside and applied a concoction of herbs that he'd mixed in a bowl to the wound. "This will continue to help fend off infection."

A new bandage was wound around her then and she lay back down. With an expert hand he felt her forehead.

"Your fever has broken and you're healing very nicely."

After gathering his supplies together he grabbed the lantern and stood up. "I'll check on you in a little while. Try to get some rest. You may have to be on the move soon."

The tent flap rustled and the captain swept it aside, ducking inside. Doctor Yang nodded to him and left.

"We've been stuck here for several days now and it's going to snow. We need to move out very soon so we're not caught up here during a blizzard. If we have to be stranded anywhere, I'd rather it be in the nearby village toward Chang'an, rather than in the middle of a mountain wilderness. Will you be able to move on your own, or do we need to have you carried down the mountain?"

Though his voice was quiet his tone was biting and disdainful, cutting her deeply. Deciding it was best not to play into his provocative remarks however and to let his attitude roll off of her, her reply was calm and impassive.

"I'm sure I'll manage."

**~~~~~**

The wound on her abdomen was still tender but she found that she was able to move the next morning. Slowly she kicked off the blankets wrapped around her and stood up, looking for her things. Donning her uniform she frowned as she noted that the front of it was covered with blood.

Her coat would cover it. She reached for it and put it on, then sat down near the tent entrance and pulled on her boots. Standing once more and pushing the flap aside, she found that it wasn't as cold as she expected. The air was cool and crisp but the wind was still. It was actually fairly mild considering that the sun hadn't quite risen yet.

Khan stood outside, near the edge of the mountain. He neighed when he saw her and her mouth turned up into a broad smile. She slowly picked her way over to him through the snow, finding that the effort was more tiring than she'd expected it to be.

Other than the clothes she wore, her belongings were still saddled on him. She reached into her bag and withdrew a brush, beginning to groom him. As she moved to brush his other side she caught a glimpse of the ravine below, memories of their battle flooding her.

After the avalanche started she'd run as fast as she could to stay ahead of it, coming up to the captain, who had been standing there frozen, staring at the chest of the mountain where she'd aimed the cannon. Her intention had been to cause that snow to cover the enemy army; she didn't expect it to come roaring toward them as well. But then, she never did consider the consequences of her actions.

She'd grabbed Li Shang's hand and dragged him into a run with her. They probably would have both been swallowed by the mountain of snow had it not been for Khan. He'd broken free from one of the soldiers that was gripping his reins and galloped through the roaring waves of tumbling snow to get her. Once she was mounted on him she was more easily able to search the sea of white, finding Captain Li and pulling him to safety.

Khan really was a remarkable horse, she reflected.

"Maybe when we get to that town I'll be able to get a treat for you," she murmured to him as she ran the brush through his mane. "You earned it."

Wrapping her arms around his neck she gave him a quick hug.

"Unfortunately it will have to wait until then, though. Here you'll have to eat what the other horses eat."

Mulan slipped the brush back into her bag and gazed once more down into the blanketed ravine.

"I really am lucky though," she mused. "I've had so many close calls. Maybe someone's watching over me."

Images of the destroyed family estate came unbidden and she suddenly remembered that the ancestral temple had oddly remained standing.

"The temple wasn't destroyed. Perhaps the ancestors are still looking out for me."

So many close calls, she recollected. Running into Doctor Liang after she left the Li household, and he didn't report her. Her near-death experience in the ravine below. And now her revealing, which miraculously hadn't ended with her execution as it should have. What was the captain doing? He'd told Chi Fu she might have been a spy, yet he hadn't asked her one question about Shan-Yu, nor did he seem to have any intention of doing so.

_Don't worry about what you heard._ That's what he'd said.

She sighed sadly and shook her head. Why _was_ she here? It was madness. What was it that had driven her to absolute certainty that this was the path she had to take? Was it fury and grief at seeing her home destroyed, her mother and grandmother gone? There had been no thoughts of revenge, nor was she aware of any desire to avenge them. She hadn't even shed any tears for them so devastated with shock was she. Perhaps it was a need to feel in a moment when she was numb, as cold and dead as her family on the inside; or a desire to keep moving so she couldn't feel at all.

The large black steed neighed softly rousing her from her musings and she turned to him with a light chuckle, heartened as she realized that she could still smile, still feel some semblance of hope.

"Maybe it's you who's looking after me, Khan. Did my ancestors hook me up with you?"

There was no doubt that Khan was an exceptional animal. Not only was he unusually protective of her, he seemed to understand her. It was incredible how he responded to her, how he actually communicated not with words of course, but with sounds and movements, a shake of the head, a stamping of a hoof, a quirky dance in place. Perhaps her ancestors _had_ somehow arranged for her to end up in that town where she would buy him.

She laughed out loud as he answered her with an affectionate butt of his head against her shoulder.

Yes, she could believe that Khan might have been a guardian. Or at the very least a lucky charm.

**~~~~~**

Flurries were already falling as their small troop moved off down the mountain and toward the nearest village, attempting to stay ahead of the pending inclement weather as much as possible. Severely outnumbered to begin with, they'd lost so many men in the battle. Their dwindling troop survived because of the avalanche that swallowed the enemy army.

Cold and weakened from her wound, Mulan found the trek difficult. But Khan was simpatico with his mistress and acutely attuned to her condition. Sensing when she grew tired he slowed down, giving her time to rest. Unfortunately this caused her to fall behind the others, which caused Captain Li to have to backtrack from the head of the troop.

She stoically tolerated the tormenting that he dished out at those times. Since they'd left the pass he'd been alternating between completely cold-shouldering her and taunting her, every remark meant to remind her of her low status in the world.

_Lest I forget that I'm at his mercy_ , she thought with a snort.

The first village they came to that evening was quite small but they made camp for the night on the outskirts of town. Her comrades hadn't learned the truth yet of course, due to the captain's order to Chi Fu and Doctor Yang, and they treated 'Ping' as always, glad to see that he was healing and on his feet again. Chi Fu, on the other hand, regarded her with utter disgust when he did grace her with a glance. Gone was the leer, and he no longer ogled her. Relieved as she was, she found the whole thing rather puzzling.

In the morning they moved off again, continuing down the mountain.

"Are you alright?" Doctor Yang asked, riding up beside her. "You're looking pretty peaked."

"I'll be fine," she lied, though she was struggling to remain sitting up and when they stopped for lunch she nearly fell off Khan as she went to dismount.

She moaned inwardly as she noticed Doctor Yang conversing with the captain while the rest of the troop ate, his face grave. All she could think of was the grinding she was going to get from Li Shang for holding them up.

But as they finished up and prepared to move out, Shang didn't even throw her a passing glance.

The storm that they'd been expecting began as they traveled, soft flurries morphing into thick heavy snowflakes that stuck to them as they rode on. Visibility became obscured by swirling billows of white and it took every effort for her to keep the captain in sight.

As they reached a plateau further down the mountain an inn loomed up ahead of them and the captain signaled for them to stop.

"We'll stay here tonight. Pair up, two to a room," he ordered.

Mulan was put in a room with the doctor. It was made to order; he could look after her wound, and her true gender wouldn't be revealed to anyone else. Lying awake on her pallet with nothing but a screen separating her from the rest of the room, she could still hear Doctor Yang and the captain speaking in hushed tones.

"She's not keeping up because she's still weak from her wound. I recommend at least a full day of rest for her here, Captain. It would only be one extra day. And if this snow doesn't let up we'll all be stuck here anyway."

Shang sighed. "You're right. Let's see how the weather is tomorrow. As soon as it's clear we need to get to the Imperial City. And we're not taking _her_ there with us." Bitterness filled that word; _her_.

"What will you do then? Leave her here?"

"There are worse places. I could have left her on top of that mountain," he retorted sharply.

A spell of silence followed before the captain spoke again, his tone hard, challenging.

"You were going to say something?"

"No, Captain," Doctor Yang answered softly.

"Keep me apprised of her condition."

The door opened and shut, signaling the captain's leaving.

**III**

By the time morning came the snow was so high it blocked half of the entrance of the inn. A couple of the soldiers had climbed out one of the higher windows and were already attempting to clear a path from the inn to the stable, although the snow was still falling heavily, slowly covering over the newly-forged walkway. Fortunately the inn was well-stocked with food and supplies, but at some point the proprietor would need to venture out to replenish everything.

Still feeling restless and nettled inside, Mulan dressed and tied up her hair, continuing her masquerade as Ping. Many of the men were having breakfast in the dining area, which had been converted into a mess hall for the troop. She didn't feel like eating; though the medicine that Doctor Yang was giving her eased the pain, it left her feeling nauseous.

The men had succeeded in removing the snow from in front of the door and she stepped outside to get some air. Though the snow fell heavily it wasn't that cold. The soldiers that were working to clear the walk peered at her with odd expressions on their faces, wondering why she was venturing out to walk in this, but she just nodded greetings to them and continued on her way.

There was very little in the immediate vicinity of the inn, only a large stable for the guests and a few small houses in the distance. Walking became more of an effort as she drew away from the cleared path. Her boots sank into the soft snow and each step required her to pull her legs out of a knee-deep hole.

The exercise was pointless, but she hated being cooped up and longed to get the fresh air, even if just for a short spell. Remaining inside with nothing to do she would be too tempted to worry and wallow in self-pity over her latest predicament. There would be plenty of time for _that_ once the captain moved off with the troop and left her.

"What are you doing out here?"

Li Shang's bark nearly made her jump out of her skin. He'd followed her out of the inn, allowing her to walk the distance that she had before making his presence known to her. He must have had a bone to pick, and wanted to do it away from the place where the other soldiers were gathered. She waited as he came hurrying up to her as fast as he could through the high drifts, his lips curled, face contorted into an angry snarl.

"Are you trying to make yourself sick, _Fifth Mistress_?"

The words and his tone cut her like a knife. Mulan blinked at him in shock, unable to speak for several minutes.

"The doctor wants you resting and I suggest you follow his direction. After the trouble I went through, antagonizing Chi Fu, in order to spare your miserable life, you might as well make it worthwhile."

He turned on his heel and began to leave her there. She was shaking with humiliation, fury and hurt. Was that all he came out here for? To say that?

"How terrible it must be for you to owe your life to such a low creature," she retorted, stopping him in his tracks.

Anger smoldered in his eyes as he whirled around to face her again. But when he spoke his voice was even, barely concealing the rage that he clearly felt. Only his hoarse, shaky exhale gave away just how furious he was at her.

"Why did you leave my father's house? What were you thinking?"

"That I didn't want to die like Third Wife," she blurted out.

"What?"

She turned away from him, mentally kicking herself for letting those words slip. That was something she should have kept to herself.

"Third Wife killed herself."

"Whatever you say."

Shang stared at her, stunned. "You weren't even there at the time. What else do you think happened to her?"

He wouldn't believe what Honglian said, she was sure of that. So she didn't bother to repeat it to him, merely shrugging a response.

"Why would you end up like her? Were you thinking of killing yourself?" He emitted a cruel chortle suddenly and his tone was sardonic as he spoke the next words. "Is that why you joined the army? Slow suicide?"

She glanced in his direction, fixing him with a steady, emotionless gaze.

"It's getting cold out here," she said icily. "I should get inside. Doctor Yang's orders and all."

Without a second glance at him Mulan turned on her heel now and left him standing in the snow, feeling somewhat self-satisfied. Of course, the effect would have been much better if she hadn't been stumbling over the large snowdrifts.

**~~~~~**

For yet another dark night Mulan's sleep was pervaded by nightmares. Chimeras flickered in and out of her vision, ghosts of the slain soldiers that they'd found. Spirits that would never rest, they hovered around her with somber faces of stone. A couple of them seemed to admonish her, with words that were just out of her earshot; she was sure that General Li was one of them. The other wasn't a soldier; it was Honglian.

Her eyes fluttered open and her heart was racing as she awoke, pounding in her chest so loud she could barely hear over it. Her mind cleared from the fog of sleep and she brought a hand up from underneath the covers to wipe at the sweat on her face. She closed her eyes again and released a sigh, wondering if she would ever be able to sleep peacefully again.

Mulan kicked off the bedclothes and sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and groping for a flint so she could light the lantern beside her. As the room became dimly illuminated, she sat on the bed for several minutes, posture tense and alert, hair damp with perspiration and sticking to her face, her eyes darting around the room as she unconsciously made sure the spirits from her dreams hadn't lingered in the room with her.

Shaking off her foolish fears, she waited for the pounding in her chest to subside. She pushed her hair off of her face and drew a sleeve across her brow, attempting to make herself feel 'normal' again. Then she stood up as her thumping heart calmed to a slower, steadier rhythm and moved over to the window. The snow hadn't stopped yet, which meant that the troop likely wouldn't move out the next day. She wouldn't be left on her own just yet; but the prospect of it dampened her mood even more.

Where would she go next? She had no family, no means; even continuing to live life as a soldier wasn't an option now. And she'd failed to make anything up to her father's memory.

Depression and despair fell on her like a lead weight and she hurriedly moved away from the window and her dismal thoughts. Slipping on her boots and coat she grabbed the lantern and ventured out of the room, silently shutting the door behind her. She walked quietly to the main entrance of the inn and stepped outside, shutting the front door behind her.

Large white flakes fell softly in the night. The walkway that the soldiers had cleared from the entrance toward the stable was less navigable now; it had been buried quickly by the steadily falling snow, the imprint of the path left behind, a dent that was half the depth of the drifts around it.

It looked like the troop wouldn't be leaving quite so soon.

"Do you need something to help you sleep?"

Mulan started and whirled around. She hadn't heard anyone come down nor had she heard the door open behind her.

"Doctor Yang…"

"I heard you get up. Please come inside. You shouldn't be out in this and the captain will have my head if he finds out that you're out here."

She studied his aged face and features. He had kind eyes and he seemed to regard her with an almost fatherly protectiveness. Now he stood in front of the door, boots on his feet and a coat over his sleeping gown, looking quite chilled. Why the captain would get on his case because she was outside was beyond her, but she wouldn't want to see him blamed for anything that wasn't his fault.

With a nod she conceded and indicated with a gesture that she was coming in. Upon returning to the room, she removed her boots and coat and shuffled back to bed, pulling her blanket around her but remaining sitting up. She declined when Doctor Yang once again asked if she wanted a tonic to help her sleep.

He sat down on his bed with a sigh and eyed her with concern, the screen that had originally separated her bed from the rest of the room gone now. She shifted uncomfortably, sensing that the aged patriarch understood more about her than she would have liked. After all he was sleeping in the same room with her. Though he'd never said a word about it, he must have heard her cry out when she woke from the throes of her nightmares, no matter how she tried to suppress the sounds.

"Are you sure?" he pressed. "It wouldn't be anything strong. Something gentle to relax you so you can get the rest you need."

"I'm okay," she answered, unable to suppress a shudder that ran up her spine as images from her dreams came to mind again. "Besides, pretty soon I'll have a lot of time to rest."

"Hmm. Yes," he answered, clearing his throat uncomfortably. "You are in quite a predicament."

She bit back a snide retort and merely nodded again. "I don't know if the troop will move out tomorrow, but eventually…"

"Yes. I believe that the captain would keep your secret and let you continue on to the Imperial City with the troop if not for that counselman."

"Somehow I doubt that. It seems to me that he hates me."

"He's angry because you've pulled the wool over his eyes, passing yourself off as a man in his camp for so long. If this hadn't been his first command I don't think you would have. You lucked out in that he had too much on his mind to notice that you weren't what you were supposed to be."

"I was lucky. Besides, he's been a very good captain."

"Captain Li is not like his father, as much as he strives to be. General Li was a ruthless man. An excellent general, yes, but if he were in his son's place right now he would have executed you without a second thought, no matter if you had saved his life. He saw things in black and white. His son, on the other hand, is a sensitive young man who has the potential to see shades of grey. That makes things much more complicated for him."

"But…maybe General Li would have been right to execute me. I dishonored the Chinese army. And myself."

"Yet you brought them and yourself honor by aiding them to defeat an enemy and keep our Emperor safe. And you saved Captain Li's life personally. No, therein lies the captain's dilemma. He is a man that values honor above all things. To kill you after you saved him would not be honorable. And though he would never admit it, I think he even feels conflicted about leaving you here when the troop departs. Or anywhere else for that matter."

"Well, he owes me nothing now. He did spare my life. Besides, wherever I'm left, I'll find something to do. I guess that'll be here, when the snow clears."

"Maybe. He still has you masquerading as your male alter ego and has sworn the counselman and me to secrecy."

"But that's only because he doesn't want the other men to know that 'the wool was pulled over his eyes', as you say. He doesn't want them to think that he's a fool."

"Perhaps," he answered quietly. He glanced toward the window then sighed. "Dawn will be here soon. We should both get some sleep. I'll be here if you need anything."

"Thank you."

He eased his legs onto the bed and stretched out, pulling the blankets around him. Mulan stretched out on her own bed, bundling herself up in her blankets. Reluctant to sleep and sink back into the nightmares, she lay still and waited for the sun to come up.

**~~~~~**

"Fa!"

Li Shang's curt bark followed her as she trudged through the snow, heading away from the inn.

"Yes, sir?"

"Get back inside!" he shouted.

If she wasn't so annoyed she might have burst into giggles at his audacity to order her around as if she was a child and he was her parent. They'd been stranded in this inn for a few days now and everyone was stir crazy. Why did it matter that she went out to get some air?

"Doctor Yang wants to check your wound anyway."

Without a word she turned and followed him back inside. Passing by the men of the troop, who were gathered in the dining hall playing weiqi and mahjongg, she headed upstairs to her room where Doctor Yang was waiting.

"I'll be right outside," Shang told him. "Let me know the status when you're finished."

"Yes, Captain."

Left alone, Mulan lay on her bed and Doctor Yang removed the dressing and took a look at her abdomen. "This has healed very nicely. I'm going to remove the stitches."

"Okay."

She watched as he sterilized his surgical tool in the flame of the candle.

"Why do you instigate fights with him?" he asked as he began to work on removing her stitches.

"I? Instigate?"

"It's terribly cold out there, even though the snow has stopped, and the captain is still concerned for your health in spite of himself. I think that you venture out there everyday just to provoke him into worrying and arguing with you."

"What?" she exclaimed. "You think I want to fight with him?"

"Don't you?"

"No! I'm sick of fighting with him. We've been stuck in this inn for days and I'm going nuts. I just want to get a little bit of air."

"You could just open the shutters over the windows and let the air in."

Mulan fell silent, unable to respond. That hadn't occurred to her. It wasn't just the air she needed; she needed to go outside. She had to escape the confines of these walls and of her morbid thoughts. But that wasn't something she could explain.

"It's not the same," she answered weakly. "I'm tired of being in one place."

If nothing else, his own provocative conversation starter made the time pass. He'd finished removing her stitches before she knew it.

"You're done."

"Thanks."

"I'll let the captain know. Maybe you'd feel better if you came downstairs and played mahjongg or something with your comrades."

"Maybe."

"Well, I'm going to see if I can join in. See you later."

He left the room, shutting the door behind him, and their muffled voices carried through to her as they spoke, sounds without words. A few minutes later she heard footsteps growing distant as they walked away. Or so she thought. A moment later there was a knock on the door.

"Yes?" she called out, sitting up. She stood and began to cross toward the door to admit whoever it was, probably Li Shang. The door opened before she reached it and sure enough he stepped in, shutting it behind him.

"So, you're all healed now. Does that mean that when we're ready to move out we don't have to worry about you holding us up?" he sneered bitterly.

"Why would I hold you up? Aren't you leaving me here?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, I heard…"

"I told you not to worry about what you heard," he snapped.

They stood there staring each other down, neither of them speaking. And Doctor Yang thought she was the one instigating the fights?

"Really," he scoffed. "Married to my father for…how long? And you're still a child. You'd die of pneumonia out there in the icy cold if you were left to your own devices. You did this back home, too."

Why did he even care?

"You heard that from good old Yun, I suppose."

"What?" he snapped.

"Second Wife," she corrected herself. Yun was much older and Shang very likely wouldn't have known her by her first name. "I don't even know why you care anymore. If I die of pneumonia you certainly won't have to take me anywhere. Oh, I see, maybe you're worried that you might have to give me a soldier's burial to keep the men from knowing…"

He took a step toward her, his face contorted with fury and she cut off the sentence and took an involuntary step back, knowing that she'd crossed an invisible line with that remark.

"She had a lot of power in the house, I know," she said softly, steering the subject back to Yun. "I know she watched me and reported back to the general. And to you, too, apparently."

"Even though I was at the Academy for most of the year I did come home sometimes," he spoke calmly, though he still glowered at her, his anger seething just beneath the surface. "The garden is visible from the upper floors of the Li compound, Mulan. I saw you out there, practicing your martial arts, even in the snow. You were pretty good at it, even before you came to camp."

"I didn't realize you watched me."

He snorted. "I wanted to see for myself what Second Wife was talking about."

Mulan had no answer for that. She supposed she knew that he would come home at times, but she'd never seen him other than that first day. It never occurred to her that he'd seen her.

"My father was annoyed at it but he didn't do a thing. I thought he was foolish, not putting you in your place. But I suppose I understand, in a way. He really doted on you, his beautiful little young wife. Almost young enough to be his granddaughter," he snorted again, throwing her a look of absolute disgust.

As if _she_ had a choice in that matter, taken away to be a concubine to his old father when her own father was dying.

"I suppose you think I should have been matched to _you_ ," she blurted out in defense, her tone nasty.

She didn't know why she'd said it, but as the words passed from her lips the truth of them resonated in the center of her being. That was why he hated her so much. She was younger than any of the wives that came before, even Honglian was nineteen when she arrived there. Younger even than General Li's own son, she was more suited for him than his father. He must have thought his father foolish for many reasons, including that one. And, she realized suddenly, he'd just called her beautiful. Had she passed the matchmaker's test, maybe…

The hair on the back of her neck prickled on its ends as they stood face to face, eyes locked, neither of them moving. Shang was frozen, gaping at her, his expression a mixture of shock and anger, his body taut and his fists clenched. The thought crossed her mind that he might kill her with his bare hands in that moment.

He suddenly lunged toward her savagely; she was too stunned to move though he appeared to be about to hurt her. His hands seized her shoulders brutally and he pulled her toward him so violently that her feet were half lifted off of the floor. Her breath caught in her throat as he stared into her face momentarily, just inches away from her. Then his lips covered hers, the kiss rough, demanding, searing; she could feel him frenziedly taking small bites of her lip.

His arms wound around her so tightly and possessively she thought he might crush her. Recovering from the initial shock of the liberty he'd taken, she responded to the kiss, wrapping her arms around his massive frame and pressing her body against his, whimpering with pleasure at the feel of his long, hard, muscular body against hers and the passionate violence of the kiss.

She pulled her lips away from his, gasping for breath as she suddenly became lifted up and turned around, and he slammed her up against the wall, almost completely knocking the wind out of her and pinning her with his large frame.

Mulan was terrified and aroused all at once. Sensing that she'd caught her breath again somewhat, his lips pressed up against hers once more. One hand was already groping at her clothing while the other continued to pin her against the wall. He was so violent, so angry, his kisses urgent, frenzied, desperate.

A small cry escaped from her parted lips when he raised his head and he leaned down once more, cutting the sound off with another kiss.

Thoughts raced through her mind. What if Doctor Yang walked in? What if the men downstairs heard them? Did she want this? With the death of her husband, she'd worried that she would never have sex again. She certainly never expected it with his son.

As Shang pulled away she looked up into his face, fevered with desire, his eyes almost glazed, blazing with passion. The perfectly sculpted angular shape, the strong, prominent jaw line, beautiful dark eyes. Had she always thought him this handsome? She vaguely remembered comparing his physique to his father's one day, back when she was at the Li compound. Would she have allowed herself to notice him sooner had she not considered him off-limits?

And what would he do with her after he'd had her in this way? What if she asked him to stop now? Would he? Did she want him to?

He'd become still suddenly, ceasing his attempts to yank her clothing off, his arms vibrating with the tension of controlling himself, the raw desperation bubbling just under the surface. He brought his hand up to cover her cheek, caressing it gently, a smile slowly turning up the corners of his mouth. She couldn't remember him ever smiling at her.

She managed a tentative smile back. He drew the hand that was stroking her face away, down to tug at the sash of the tunic she was wearing. Hesitating for a moment, he eyed her questioningly, wordlessly asking her permission.

Mulan barely managed the tiniest nod.

It was nothing like being with General Li. The general's movements had been much slower and more methodical; he was gentle and patient. Of course, he'd been nearly fifty years old and not in such great shape anymore; there were times even when he had difficulty, when the sex drive of a girl who wasn't even eighteen yet was more than he could handle.

Shang was young and virile. The savage passion with which he seized her left bruises on her skin and stirred up her own primal desires; as his teeth bit at her nipples she found herself clawing at his hair and shoulders and arms, gasping and heaving in rhythm with his heavy panting, her body writhing and quivering against his. She could feel the blood pounding in her ears as he pushed inside of her with such aggressive force that she almost cried out. But then the troop, downstairs in the dining hall, oblivious to what was going on upstairs, would know. Blood flowed from her lower lip from the force with which she bit down on it to keep from screaming and her nails dug into the flesh of his back as she gyrated her hips in rhythm with his deep thrusts until they both climaxed.

Both of them collapsed, he on top of her, his head falling onto her shoulder, and they lay there on the floor near the wall, both of them panting, sweaty, spent.

They would need to open the shutters over the window and let the air in, she thought absently. The scent of sweat and sex and of their bodies still filled her nostrils.

He raised himself up on an elbow and leaned over her, reaching out with his free hand to smooth away a damp lock of hair that stuck to her face.

"Are you alright?" he asked, his voice sounding almost tender.

She nodded, smiling slightly, not wanting the confusion she was feeling to show in her face. "Yes," she answered hoarsely.

But she wasn't sure.

**IV**

They dressed in silence and he left the room. She had expected that. No doubt he felt as awkward and confused as she did. After all, they really barely knew each other. As captain and subordinate perhaps, but not as man and woman and certainly not as two people that had carnal knowledge of one another. She still wasn't exactly sure what had happened; what had come over her.

As much as she had prepared herself for it, it still disturbed her when he walked out without so much as a peep. She sighed and moved over to the window to open the shutter, her first thought to air out the room. Then she went to sit on her bed, lowering her head in her hands and beginning to contemplate what she had just done.

She looked up with a slight start at the sound of the door opening again. Shang entered carrying a bowl and a towel. Kicking the door shut behind him, he approached her and set the bowl down on the table beside her bed. There was water in the bowl, she saw now.

Handing her the towel, he gestured to the water and then toward her face. "For your lip."

Her hand went to her lower lip and she explored the spot where she'd bitten down. "Oh. Thank you."

It was already becoming slightly swollen and she realized it was throbbing. Her mind had been so weighted down with confusion and uneasiness at what she had done that she hadn't noticed and had forgotten about it.

Shang took a seat on the edge of Doctor Yang's bed and watched her as she dampened the towel in the cool water and pressed it against her lower lip, wincing at the initial sting from putting pressure on the cut.

"I remember that day I met you in the corridor at home," he began. "You had just arrived the night before."

Mulan nodded and lowered the towel to speak. "I made you so angry. You were practicing your moves and I interrupted you."

"No, I wasn't angry at you," he answered gruffly.

"The way you looked at me…"

"I was angry at my father." The words were rough, uttered with a wistful sigh, and he turned his head to gaze out the window. "You were only sixteen when you arrived at our house, weren't you, Mulan?"

"Yes," she answered tentatively.

His eyes closed and he shook his head slowly, a soft expulsion of air passing from his lips. "He was three times your age," he said finally.

"That bothered you?"

"He was a fool."

She stared at him in surprise.

"It's my duty to honor his memory now that he's gone," he began softly. "What went on between us, any disagreements, none of that matters any longer. He was an excellent general and a brave man, and he taught me to be what I am today. But…he was foolish. It was bad enough when he took Second Wife. My mother still had her looks, but she was over thirty and he wanted someone younger."

Shang shook his head, perplexed, as if he couldn't begin to fathom what his father had been thinking. He was speaking so candidly to her it took her aback somewhat. In her discomfort she concentrated on dabbing the cloth in water again and tending to her lip as she listened.

"The thing is, he was getting older, too," he continued, his tone laced with annoyance. "It was ridiculous for him to be with such young girls. Every new wife he took was younger than the last. Third Wife was only twenty-two when he married her…and Fourth Wife was nineteen!"

His face creased into an expression of absolute disgust as he rattled off Honglian's age.

"And then I heard about you…my mother told me she'd met you and how old you were. I couldn't believe it."

"Oh, that's what it was," she murmured, remembering the look he'd given her. At the time she had assumed that his disgust was toward her; but it was her age and the fact that his father had taken someone so young as a concubine.

"I know men of high status do it all the time, but still…it bothered me."

He turned away from the window to gaze at her intently now. For the first time she noticed that he had very kind eyes when he allowed his face to soften, to not appear so stern.

"It must have been very hard for _you_ ," he remarked quietly.

"I failed the matchmaker's test. My father was very ill and I was taking care of him. I thought I just wouldn't get married; that I would stay home and continue to take care of him. It never occurred to me that I would instead be sent away to be someone's fifth wife. The day I left home he looked so awful, so heartbroken. I did that to him." She sighed sadly.

"What happened at the matchmaker's?"

"I was nervous. She never did like me and I felt as if I was doomed to fail before I even went in there because of that. Self-fulfilling prophecy," she laughed. "I ended up spilling tea all over her good dress, among other things."

"A positive attitude makes a difference. As a soldier, you've learned that lesson well now. I bet if you went back to her you would do just fine."

Mulan felt heartened as she glimpsed his lopsided half-smile. He looked nice when he smiled. Her own smile faded as thoughts of her conversation with Doctor Yang a few nights before came to mind and remorse settled in her chest. She owed him apologies as well; she'd been cruel, too, and she'd made things very difficult for him.

"Shang, I never meant to make a fool out of you. It was a coincidence that I ended up in your camp. At first I was afraid you'd recognize me, but then I thought that maybe you wouldn't even remember that day in the corridor. You're not a fool. I think you're a great captain."

A wistful sigh escaped his lips. "I know that I'm an excellent warrior. But I've come to realize that I'll probably never be the leader my father was. I don't know if I care. With his death," his voice became tight and he stopped, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "That all doesn't seem to matter anymore. I just want to get my men home and then return to my own house. Forget about war, the army."

She lowered her head and gazed down into her lap. And what of her? Both of them had lost control of themselves in a brief moment of desperation and lust. There was no love and their act meant nothing. But she wondered if this would change her situation at all. Would he feel guilty now, responsible for her in some odd way? Perhaps he would feel it was his duty to see to it that she was left somewhere safe. Or maybe he figured that she'd allowed him to take his liberties with her in order to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her. If that was the conclusion he came to, he'd be very angry and perhaps his punishment would be even more severe. Whichever way it went, she knew that she didn't want him to feel obligated to her; and she certainly didn't want to feel beholden to him.

"At least for a little while," he added with a sigh.

Their eyes met when she raised her head again and looked at him.

"Your home..." he began.

Mulan shook her head. He was beginning to tread on dangerous territory.

"When you left…you went there and found out what had happened to it, to your village."

"I bought Khan in one of the villages near the Li compound. And then I rode home…" she trailed off and swallowed hard. "Our ancestral shrine remained standing. Funny how they destroyed everything else and left that intact. I suppose even the enemy can recognize something sacred." She shakily released a bitter laugh at that and tossed the damp cloth she'd been holding away. "My father had died not long after I came to live with the general. His name was already on the ancestral tablets…but my mother and grandmother…"

She trailed off again and closed her eyes, bracing herself against the twinge of pain that had gripped her heart despite the effort she'd made to not feel it. The floorboards creaked from the weight of him shifting on the bed and she opened her eyes. He'd stood up and taken a hesitant step toward her.

"Mulan…" he began softly but she shook her head and held a hand up to stop him. He sat down again.

Tears had begun to form in her eyes and she angrily brought a hand up to wipe them away. The tender expression on his face, the concern in his eyes all conspired to cleave her heart open, laying bare the feelings that she preferred to keep shut up and she turned away. Her muscles around her throat ached unbearably from forcing back the huge lump that had formed there. She swallowed hard again and brought her hands up to her neck, softly stroking the skin to ease the pain.

Regaining control of herself after a few minutes, she lowered her hands back into her lap and faced him again. "I added their names to the tablets and left. There was nothing there anymore. I don't know how many days I was riding before I found a village. Scrolls were pasted up everywhere with the names of the men that had been called into service. My father's name was still up there…and a man in town referred to me as a young man. My hair was tied back and I'd lost weight, so I guess I didn't look womanly to him. That's what gave me the idea."

"And that's when you decided to join the army, in your father's place?"

"Yes."

"I can understand that you wanted revenge on the people that did that…"

"No, not revenge…I don't think. I can't really tell you why. I wish I could…that I could give you a noble reason for why I did this. But I can't…I was compelled to do it."

"Maybe you were meant to be here," he mused, "to carry out that crazy idea of yours and save us."

She shrugged.

"You saved my life…you went out of your way to do it, at the risk of getting killed yourself."

"Well, in hindsight, rushing toward Shan-Yu was pretty stupid. Chi Fu is right. It's pure luck that my idea worked; it really could have turned into disaster."

"After the avalanche started I was lost in the wave of snow…you could have gotten yourself to safety. But instead you rode into the thick of the avalanche to rescue me. You risked your life to come after me."

There was gratitude in his eyes and she felt her cheeks become warm with pride.

"You know, you could go back to the Li compound, Mulan. You'd be one of General Li's widows, but at least you'd have a home, and you could live out your life comfortably. No one there has to know what happened."

"What would I tell them? That I had a bad feeling about my family and hurried home to them?"

"Yes," he answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

She didn't know what to say. He was completely unaware of the underhanded fighting that went on between the wives, and she would never bring it up to him since he would assume that she was talking about his mother as well. Of course that wouldn't matter now, since there was no General Li to fight over. Just his money.

But then there was the boredom factor, and the idea of being confined within the walls of the compound for the rest of her life. She couldn't explain that to him either, or the fact that she was afraid she'd go insane the way Honglian did.

"It's very kind of you to offer such a thing after everything I've done. But…you're already in hot water with Chi Fu. I don't want you to get in trouble because of me."

"Don't worry about me. I can handle Chi Fu. I've had plenty of practice."

He grinned at her and she couldn't help but laugh. Somehow, from one simple act of wild, meaningless passion, they'd crossed back over a line; no longer bitter enemies, they had become friends, each of them revealing something to the other that neither could express to anyone else.

It was the beginning of a very odd friendship indeed.

**~~~~~**

Every single time was rough and violent. Often he hurt her, leaving her raw and bruised from the force with which he shoved himself inside of her. But she didn't care. Passion and pain were the two things that reminded her that she was alive.

_This really is a very strange…affair_ , she thought with a quiet sigh.

She rolled onto her side to look at the man lying on the floor beside her, catching his breath. They didn't love each other, she knew that. He'd been her captain and she had always respected him. Other than that, she hadn't figured out her own feelings for him yet; all she knew was that she loved running her hands across his massive chest and along the defined contours of his sculpted torso, arms, legs. She loved the feel of his warm, muscular body against hers when they lay together, wrapping her legs around him to pull him as close as possible against her. She loved the way he embraced her so fervently that he nearly squeezed the breath out of her, the way he grabbed her so hard he left red marks on her skin, the smell of his sweat and passion, the fullness of him inside of her, and she loved resting her head against his broad shoulder as she caught her breath with him after climaxing.

His feelings for her were a complete mystery. When he came to her during these stolen moments alone the insatiable hunger and desire in his eyes was unmistakable. But when their lovemaking was finished, she was on shaky ground, unsure of his intentions.

Shang had made clear in just a few words that, though he respected General Li as a military man, he'd had less of an opinion of him as a father. After so many disagreements a rift had formed between father and son, never to be repaired due to the general's untimely death. Young Master Li had clearly resented his father's behavior and coveted his youngest wife. _Her._ It occurred to her that Shang had used her to get back at his father. Maybe that was why he'd wanted her so desperately that first time. But that would have been the end of it if that was the case, wouldn't it? Instead, every time that they had a chance to be alone in her room without the others knowing he was back.

Mulan closed her eyes and mused on the moments she'd had with him, before and after her revealing. The day they came to that village and found that the general's army had been beaten, destroyed. She remembered how he looked at her when he came to sit by the fire with her, to make sure 'Ping' was alright. How concerned his expression was, how he'd noticed she hadn't eaten. He must have been beside himself with grief, yet there he was looking after her.

Even after he'd discovered the truth, despite his unspeakable fury, he'd worried about her. All those bad nights filled with pain and nightmares, how many times had she woken to find him sitting beside her, watching over her, asking her if she needed the doctor to give her something? So beside herself with pain and fear, she hadn't thought twice about it or even wondered why he'd been keeping vigil over her sleeping form. Did he care for her in his own odd way?

This would be the last time that they would have a moment like this probably. Everyone was anxious to get moving, tired of being in one place for so many days, and they all wanted to get home. The snow had ceased and was finally beginning to melt. The troop would be leaving the next day, though their journey would be slow-going due to the depth of the snow. She didn't know whether she would be leaving with the rest of them or not, nor had she ever given Shang an answer after he suggested that she return to the Li compound. Once they parted she would never see him again.

He rolled onto his side now and gazed at her. Melancholy pervaded her as she regarded his face. They'd been so physically close, yet they barely knew each other and she couldn't imagine that they would ever begin to understand the nuances of one another.

Shang reached over and stroked her face tenderly. "Mulan…I…" He trailed off, looking somewhat perplexed, as if he wanted to tell her something but was unable to speak it out loud. "Our victory is your victory, Mulan. You deserve to be honored for it, more than any of us. But…if you came to the Imperial City with us, you would be signing your own death sentence."

"I don't expect a reward for doing my duty. For doing what was right."

"Still…I wish there was more that I could do for you." He sighed. "If it weren't for Chi Fu…"

Silence stretched between them as he trailed off, unable to speak the rest of that thought. Then he sighed again.

"We're still a long way from the Imperial City and I want to make sure wherever you stay is safe."

"I'll be fine from here. What will you tell the others? That I'm too weak to travel so I stayed behind?"

"It's an idea. After we… report to the Emperor, I can come back for you. We can travel home to my family's house together."

She didn't respond. There was no way to explain why she didn't want to return with him and she thought it better not to contradict him or even speak with him any further about it. Once he was gone with the troop, she would leave on her own for points unknown and ask the proprietor of the inn to convey a message to Shang that she'd left.

It would be too late for him to stop her then.

**~~~~~**

"What will you do now?"

Doctor Yang's bag was packed and he turned at the door to bid her goodbye.

"I'll be heading north, to Wan County. It's where I grew up and I still have some relatives there," she lied.

He frowned.

"Have a safe journey," she continued.

"And you as well. Here," he said, withdrawing a small packet from his bag. "In case you have any problem with the wound getting infected."

After giving her instructions for preparing and using the herbs, he wished her well and cautioned her to be careful, then left the room.

She dressed quickly and ventured out of the room to see her comrades off, anxious to be on her way as soon as they were all gone. Li Shang met her in the corridor.

"Have a safe trip, Captain." She saluted him.

"Do you have enough money to pay for your room until I can get back here?" he asked quietly.

"I'm all set. Thank you."

As soon as she was sure that the troop was long gone, she packed her bag and left a message for Shang with the proprietor, who stared at her like she had two heads then agreed with a nod of his head to give him the message.

After saddling Khan and preparing him for the journey, she set off in the opposite direction from the Imperial City, back toward the village that they'd stayed in the night before they arrived at that inn.

When she got to the village she was greeted by a group of panicking residents who described to her six strangers, one of massive size with golden eyes, that had passed through town five days before.

Based on their description she realized that somehow a handful of the enemy army had survived, including Shan-Yu. She couldn't fathom how it was possible though. They had been buried under massive amounts of snow.

"They were heading south."

Mulan nodded agreement. "Toward the Imperial City," she assessed quickly.

"Where is the rest of your troop?" a man asked.

"They are all headed home, as was I. But maybe I can catch up to them and warn them. You said they passed through here five days ago. Were they on foot or on horseback?"

"On foot when they arrived. But they left with six horses, obtaining them from our neighbors at sword point."

Her eyes narrowed in thought. If they left five days before on horseback, they had a head start and would reach the Imperial City before Shang's troop.

Spurring Khan on again, she turned and headed off toward Chang'an. She had to warn Shang.


	5. Flower and Fruit (Theme #19, Fate; Destiny)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5th and final pairing.

Shan-Yu was smart. Everything that she'd heard about him from her father pointed to that fact. And he was tenacious. He'd survived an avalanche and a blizzard, and it was widely known at this point that he was single-minded about his revenge against their Emperor. It was imperative that she warn Shang, though it meant putting her own life in danger. Even with a small group, Shan-Yu was a threat to the Emperor's life. They would have to be ready for a more covert and sneaky attack by the enemy.

A huge victory parade was already in progress when she arrived in Chang'an after just a few days. The procession moved toward the palace from Ming-te Gate along the main thoroughfare, which was lined on either side with thick crowds of citizens who'd come out to cheer for the brave soldiers and merchants hawking souvenirs and food to the celebrants.

Coming from a small village with less than a quarter of the population of this city, Mulan was somewhat overwhelmed by the magnitude of the place and the sheer numbers that made up the colorful throng. She halted Khan and scanned the mass of people and animals, trying to get her bearings and find a recognizable face in the procession. Only the bright, multi-colored kites that loomed above the parade stood out.

Dressed in her armor and helmet once more, she was unrecognizable as a woman, and a man that stood nearby addressed her.

"You're late, young man," he joked with her, laughing heartily. "Your troop is already marching in the parade."

She eyed him curiously and he pointed toward the back of the procession, realizing that she was lost.

"Behind the entertainers."

Nodding thanks to him, she remained where she was and eyeballed the crowd of marchers, led by one man who shouted at the crowd to make way and several men on either side of him flying the colorful kites. Acrobats spun and tumbled down the street behind them, followed by the drummers and musicians. A brightly colored paper dragon float, a must for every parade, followed, the dragon likeness swaying and bobbing from the movements of the dancers inside of it.

The troop came next and as she glimpsed Chi Fu at the head she lowered her helmet in an effort to shield her face. Why was he, of all people, riding at the front of their troop? It should have been the captain, leading his men. Instead Shang rode behind the counselman, followed by the rest of the troop, including two men carrying banners. The Imperial flags.

She waited until Chi Fu had gained some distance before riding out and joining the troop. Shang's position behind the counselman made bringing the news directly to him out of the question. If Chi Fu saw her, she was as good as dead. Besides, she didn't want to have to explain to Shang how she knew about Shan-Yu and his men; that she'd left the inn.

"Ping," Yao exclaimed as she rode up alongside of him. He looked glad to see her. "You made it."

Yao was the man that had started the fight with her the very first day of camp. She hadn't become especially chummy with anyone in the troop; that would have been dangerous. But she had become friendly with a handful of men, including Yao. Despite his antagonistic and belligerent nature and his gruff façade, he was really alright and he'd proven to be a brave and able soldier in battle. In the aftermath, when she had time to remember the details of the battle in the mountains, she recollected that he was the one that had come running out toward her, behind the captain. He'd seen Shan-Yu barreling toward her and had been on his way to help.

"We have a problem," she told him. "Shan-Yu and some of his men are alive. They're here in the city."

"What? That's not possible. They were buried…"

"I don't know how they survived but they did. From the description the villagers gave me of one of them, it had to be Shan-Yu."

"Villagers?"

"I found a village not far from the inn we stayed in," she lied. "Six men survived, including Shan-Yu. We have to get the word passed up to the captain."

"What could six men do?" Chiang, another soldier who'd been listening in, piped up. "The Imperial guard will stop them before they even get near the outer gate. Besides, so few of them, maybe they just went home."

"They would have been heading north then. No, they were on their way here. Probably with a plan to find another, more covert way to get into the palace. Someone has to get word to the captain. The Emperor is in danger."

"Why don't you go?"

"Because I'm not supposed to be here. The captain ordered me to stay put and recuperate. He'll kill me if he sees me."

"Okay, Ping, I'll go," Chiang replied with a light chuckle. "We wouldn't want you to get in trouble. Though I don't know why the captain should be angry at you for coming here. You deserve to be here after what you did for the troop."

He steered his horse out of line and spurred it into a quick trot toward the front.

She continued riding beside Yao, at the back of the troop where she wouldn't be easily seen.

"Keep your eyes open," she told him, her own eyes darting around, searching for any sight that looked suspicious. "They're here somewhere and they're going to take advantage of the crowd and the chaos of the festival to obtain their objective."

That was something else she'd learned from her father. She remembered him laughing as he passed along another one of his sayings.

" _In chaos there is profit."_

**~~~~~**

She dismounted and left Khan outside of Ch'eng-tien Gate, then went inside. No one looked twice at the odd, fully armored soldier that stayed hidden among the performers, looking on.

Something was wrong. The troop had dismounted after passing through the gate and into the palace courtyard. They processed toward a platform halfway between the square and the palace entrance, where the Emperor waited. The soldiers remained lined up in front of the platform, though. Only Chi Fu and the captain ascended the stairs to the platform where the Emperor stood.

The acrobats and other performers that she now waited with had split off into two formations and turned off in either direction, maintaining their distance from the platform and allowing the soldiers to continue forward. But the dancers in the dragon float continued moving straight, following the captain and Chi Fu as they drew near to the Emperor.

Mulan had never been to the Imperial City, nor had she ever seen an Imperial parade; but something seemed off about it. Why was that float continuing toward the Emperor when the rest of the performers had veered off to the sides, keeping to the outer perimeter of the square?

She pushed her way through the crowd of performers and broke into a run toward the platform. The dragon had almost reached the top stair leading to it.

"Shang!" she shouted. "In the dragon!"

He whirled around in confusion, as did the rest of the troop. Their position revealed now, the men inside threw off the float and sprang toward the Emperor, swords drawn. Chi Fu squealed in fright and hurried after the Emperor, who was being hastily shuffled away to a safe distance by his guards, who'd never left his side.

Shang was taken by surprise, but he drew his own sword quickly and began to fend them off. Yao and several other of her comrades had their swords out already and she drew her own, rushing into the fray to aid them.

Shan-Yu and his men fought fiercely, but they were outnumbered and, having lost their element of surprise, were quickly dispatched.

The battle was over before she even had a chance to process it, and she stood bewildered, not even thinking to look for an opportunity to escape. There was none. Shang had moved in front of her to shield her. And as the chaos died down and the smoke cleared, Chi Fu came storming back down to the platform ceremoniously.

"Where is she?" he demanded, eyes combing the group of soldiers.

Shang stared at him blankly, appearing to be feigning confusion. Chi Fu wasn't put off for a moment.

"You know very well who I'm talking about, Captain Li. There's no point in trying to protect her. I've already told the Emperor all about that little tramp and he knows she's here. Besides, she's not worth it. You'd realize that if you hadn't had your…"

Mulan started, shaken up by the counselman's nearly-spoken innuendo and shocked at the force with which Shang snatched the Imperial counselman's collar, almost wringing his scrawny neck. Chi Fu looked terrified.

"Listen, you pompous…"

"Enough."

The Emperor brought an abrupt end to the argument in a quiet but firm voice and Shang released Chi Fu's collar. Mulan began to tremble as she beheld him up close for the first time in her life. He was a tall, thin bearded man of mature age, probably in his fifties, Mulan guessed, bedecked in a yellow robe and a tall hat.

Shang stepped forward and bowed.

"Your Majesty…" he began, but the Emperor cut him off with a raised hand and he stepped back, dipping his head in another bow.

The Emperor's eyes fell on her and she felt her knees begin to quake. Everything had caught up to her and it was time to face the consequences of her actions. But she had no regrets; she had done what was right, whatever fate was decided for her.

Taking a deep breath she bravely stepped forward now and bowed before him, ready to accept her inevitable punishment.

**~~~~~**

This was the last thing she'd expected. She'd been certain that she'd be executed or thrown in jail. And she had been worried about Shang's fate, too. After all, it had been his duty to execute her when she was revealed.

Instead, Emperor Yang found it amusing that a woman had passed herself off as a man in his army and commended Shang for his wisdom and foresight in sparing her life. He'd heard about the battle in the mountains, both from Chi Fu and Shang, and was greatly impressed with her bravery and ingenuity. And he admired the courage she'd shown, coming forward to warn everyone, at great risk to herself, in order to save his life and ensure the safety of China. What's more, he was taken with her youth and what he called her 'natural look'.

Mulan suspected that it was her youth and 'natural look' that made him spare her life, more than anything else, especially when he invited her to stay and live with him in the palace as one of his wives. Given that, this wouldn't be unlike prison. She would just be a prisoner in a home that was larger than the Li compound. But what choice did she have? She couldn't refuse the Emperor and live.

She looked up as Li Shang joined her where she sat in the garden, sitting at a respectful distance from her. His voice was stiff as he spoke.

"I came to say goodbye."

"You're leaving tonight?"

He nodded. "I have to put all of my father's affairs in order. And…by now, my mother has heard the news of my father." Mulan thought she could hear a subtle break in his voice. "I have to get home to her, and to the rest of the family. I'm responsible for everyone now. My mother, my father's other two wives and my little brother, Ping."

At a loss for words, she merely gripped the edge of the bench tensely and stared straight ahead, fighting the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. She didn't want to cry now, in her last moments with him, but she felt dangerously close to tears. This goodbye was forever and she wasn't ready for it, though she still hardly knew this man in reality. They wouldn't see each other again, and there was so much left undiscovered between them and so many things to say.

She couldn't even understand why she was so emotional about it. After all, she was the one who had left the inn, leaving nothing but a note to let him know that she was gone; she'd left him behind first.

"The Emperor doesn't know," he spoke up again.

She turned and stared at him quizzically.

"About you and my father, I mean. I don't know if it would matter, but I'm sure he doesn't know. I won't tell anyone."

"Oh. Thank you."

They both looked away from each other and an uncomfortable silence stretched between them for a time. Mulan was more concerned with Chi Fu telling the Emperor about her and Shang; after the hint he'd begun to drop, she was sure he knew and it shook her up. But she said nothing. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen, and there was nothing Shang could do about it. Talking to him about it would only burden him. He already knew; he'd heard Chi Fu's words, too.

"Mulan, why didn't you stay at the inn?" he asked finally, turning to her again. "You were safe there. And you could have remained safe, and undiscovered."

"Only for a little while."

"What?"

"I was only safe for a little while. If I hadn't warned you, none of us would have been safe in the end."

His sad sigh was barely audible.

"It was meant to be this way," she added after a few minutes, wanting to convince herself as much as him.

"I'm sorry, Mulan. I should have sent you home."

She looked at him in surprise. "You did send me home."

"Yes, but then I let you stay."

"I earned the right to stay. Anyway, even if I had gone, who's to say I would have ended up anywhere better? My family was gone and I couldn't go back to the Li compound. Besides, I'm glad that I was able to do something for my country. Maybe, in a small way, I've honored my father."

_Even if I did just end up a concubine in the end_.

She'd come to accept that as a woman it was one of a few dismal options that were open to her. Women were merely slaves; she'd known that for a long time and it was foolish to ever think that she could be more than that. Even if she had stepped up in status somewhat, now a concubine to the Emperor instead of just an Imperial general, she was still a concubine.

"In more than just a small way, Mulan. You've brought the greatest honor to China. And to your father. And…I'm honored to have known you, even if it was only for a short time."

His words surprised her. The compliment and the tone in which he spoke warmed her inside and she smiled easily. "Thank you. I'm really glad that it was you who ended up being my captain."

Shang sighed wistfully. "I wish I could have done more for you. At least you'll be living a comfortable life here now."

"And you, too. Hopefully peace will last for a long time and you can hang up your armor. At least for a little while," she added, alluding to something he'd said when they talked after the first time they lay together.

"Hopefully," he agreed, managing a slight smile.

She began to speak again but hesitated; he noticed.

"What is it, Mulan?"

"Would you do something for me, Shang?"

"Of course. Name it."

"Honglian…I mean, Fourth Wife. When you get home, would you write to me and let me know how she is? I met Doctor Liang in town the day I left the Li compound. He was called away to take care of her. I don't know what happened, but I've been very worried about her."

"I'll try," he answered softly, staring at her with an odd expression. "If the Emperor sees a letter from me to you he might become suspicious."

"Maybe you can send me some token from the troop along with the letter?"

He nodded. "Maybe. I'll do my best to find some way to contact you."

"Thank you."

He stood up then and she rose to her feet to bid him a final goodbye. They bowed to each other, the gesture seeming so distant and impersonal after the intense physical contact they'd shared just a week ago.

"Well, I wish you a safe journey home, Shang."

"Thank you. Goodbye, Mulan."

"Goodbye."

She took a seat on the bench again as he walked off. The sight of his retreating back filled her with sadness and she turned away quickly, staring down at her hands in her lap as the first teardrop fell.

When she looked up again through moist eyes he was gone.

**~~~~~**

She would never get used to this man.

Aged, thin and nearly as bony as Chi Fu, she was nauseated by the sight when she laid eyes on his naked body for the first time. Like General Li he insisted on keeping the lanterns lit so he could see her form as he descended on her.

And so, she closed her eyes and tried to imagine that it was Shang on top of her. Anything that would get her through the ordeal each time.

"You're my good luck charm, Fa Mulan."

She was surprised that he even spoke to her afterward.

Rumor had it that Emperor Yang had always lived a life of excess and was an incorrigible womanizer, she learned in a short time. When his more frugal father was alive and in power he'd kept his concubines hidden, though he still kept them; one servant numbered his mistresses in the hundreds.

All she could think was that it was no wonder he looked so worn out and used up.

After that first night of consummation he said very little to her, though he called for her frequently. And whenever they lay together he always told her afterward that she was his good luck charm. If that kept her in his favor, she was fine with it. Despite how unhappy she was, a part of her still clung tenaciously to life; and to the hope that maybe hers would change. She didn't want to die.

After living in the palace for just four months her belly had already begun to swell. One of the court physicians, a kind man who had a daughter of his own, confirmed that she was approximately four months along.

The Emperor was delighted with how fruitful his new concubine had turned out and he doted on her for those months, especially when it was suggested that, based on signs, chances were good that she carried a son in her womb. Thus far his only surviving children were daughters.

About five months later she did bear the Emperor a male heir; or so everyone thought. Only Mulan recognized the features of Xu-long's true father in her infant son; the shape of the face, the expressions which appeared across his visage at intervals as he writhed and stretched in his crib. A mixture of delight and dismay filled her as she beheld the passing scowl, a yawn, a lopsided almost-smile that would constantly remind her of Li Shang.

Only a week had passed between the last time she'd been with Shang and the first time she'd been with Emperor Yang, so it was certainly possible. And even without that, she knew deep in her heart whose baby it was.

Fortunately Chi Fu, the one person who would have made the connection as far as timing, had been sent on a diplomatic mission shortly after the day of the victory parade; and judging from the Emperor's behavior toward her, his counsel had never mentioned anything to him about her relationship with the captain. Perhaps he'd realized that it would be unbecoming to gossip in such a manner. Or perhaps the worst was still to come.

She hadn't been able to escape her fate as a concubine, a woman of low status. But she loved her son with all of her being and he made anything she had to endure worth it. And if all went well and no one figured out the truth of the baby's paternal origin, she would raise a Crown Prince who, maybe someday, would be an Emperor.


End file.
